We know the drill: The groom is escorted to the chuppah by his parents and family, and then the bride is led there by her parents and family. She circles him seven times. The mesader kedushin sings Baruch Haba. How can this be adapted?
Chuppah
The chuppah, or wedding canopy, is a striking symbol of the Jewish wedding. It is generally said to represent a home that is welcoming through its being open on all four sides, and alludes to the tent of Avraham and Sara. It can be carried on poles by four (or more) family members and friends, or be freestanding. It can be made of one or more tallitot—special ones lent by parents or grandparents, ones belonging to the couple, or new ones for the couple—a family blanket or quilt, or something else entirely that is meaningful to the couple. It can be plain and simple or opulent and covered in flowers and decoration. There are not any actual halachot here, only customs. Anita Diamant writes that chuppah “means ‘that which covers or floats above.’ It is said that the space beneath the canopy is spiritually charged because the divine Name floats above it.”
Some say the chuppah historically represented the groom’s home, to which he was welcoming his bride (hence the groom entering the chuppah first and waiting for his bride to join him). Birkat Erusin (see Birkat Erusin) states that women “are married to us by chuppah and kiddushin,” with kiddushin being the acquisition enacted by the groom’s declaration and offer of a ring (see Kiddushin). Rabbi Moses Isserles (Even Ha-Ezer 55:1) says the chuppah requirement is met by a cloth held on four poles or spread over the heads of the couple, as well as by the bride’s veil. (Rambam sees the act of the bride joining the groom’s household more literally, believing chuppah to be her entering his home, and them being alone together in yichud.)
While the chuppah is such an iconic presence at the Jewish wedding, CJLS proposes an alternative (Ceremony B) in which “there is no [chuppah]; rather, the couple stands with their rabbi before a table containing a tallit, the rings, the marriage covenant, and the wine.” Following the exchange of rings, “The couple recites the blessing over the tallit jointly and wraps themselves together into a large tallit” and the three blessings in an alternate Sheva Brachot are recited (see Ceremony B under Sheva Brachot approaches).
Printed Programs
Most weddings, at least in the United States, have printed programs, where the family members are listed. Many couples will include descriptions of the Jewish wedding ceremony so guests who are not familiar with the Jewish wedding can follow along. Couples may choose to have fairly long and detailed descriptions of the ceremony, whether because their families have particular customs that are not widely known, or because they’ve taken liberties with the ceremony. That is especially true for same-sex weddings, where no one will likely have ever been to a wedding quite like it. Some couples have produced multi-page programs walking guests through the day, or even small booklets dozens of pages long with all kinds of information, as well as birkat hamazon to function as a combination program and bentcher. Others choose to let the guests just be in the moment and keep the information minimal. Those couples may instead post a longer explanation of ritual on their wedding website or send it to guests by email.
H&J: We had guests who would be unfamiliar with a lot of the Jewish stuff generally, as well as lot of guests who are Jewishly learned and who we thought would be interested in reading about our thought process in detail and follow along through the ceremony. Our program was 4 full size pages (an 11×17 sheet folded in half, so there wouldn’t be any staples) and included a description of the rituals and our adaptations, the text of the blessings we used throughout, and the procession order.
R&D: We included lots and lots of info—about Jewish wedding ceremonies, our ceremony in particular, and a lot of whys about how we structured it. When we got married in 2010, the notion of a “normal” same sex wedding was still new for many of our guests, especially older family, so we went heavy on information to get their questions answered.
Dr. Debra Blank: You want your friends and relatives to know what’s going on and why, you want them to appreciate the symbolism of certain actions and objects, and you want them to fully comprehend the words. … But booklets and explanations can rationalize or reduce the potential meaning of symbols; detract from the non-rational aspects of good ritual; and deprive individuals of their own interpretations. For some people, explanations simply subtract from the mystery of the moment. Thus an author of a union ritual might consider if the guest needs to be told what the huppah represents; perhaps s/he can intuit immediately that it physically defines ritual space. The author should weigh the value of telling the assembled what the Sheva B’rakhot are and how they were adapted, as opposed to letting the power of marking and ritualized language cast a spell over the Jewishly educated and uneducated guest alike. The author should ask if the assembled need to be told what the document is (and especially why it isn’t an official ketubah), or if the esoteric and formal quality of the read words will sufficiently carry the power of authenticity and solemnity. Finally, one should think about the value of explaining the breaking of glass: either the guest will know or will be caught off guard by the violent action and then caught up in the ensuing joyful cries. Some people like explanations when they attend a ritual (particularly if it is unfamiliar or novel); others find them distracting and limiting, particularly when prolix. As Catherine Madsen puts it, liturgy should leave “something up to experience” and leave “cognitive work for the audience . . .” However, I would take issue with her use of “cognitive”, and suggest that liturgy (and ritual) should leave spiritual work for the audience, since what is ‘known’ is sometimes less powerful than what is unknown. … Don’t be tempted to explain what you’re doing. Your guests will know why they’ve come. Your ritual — its actions, objects, and formalized language — should be felicitous enough to explain itself.
Jeremy & Michael: We printed out the sheva brachot at the bottom of our processional so it was just one sheet. We bolded any of the changes we made that were part of “group singing” so people wouldn’t be thrown off (“kol chatan v’kol kallah”) but we didn’t bold any changes that individuals were saying in the sheva brachot because they received those changes beforehand and we wanted to draw as little attention to changes as possible—the whole approach of our wedding being that “this isn’t any different than a straight wedding.” This is also why we didn’t print any explanations. If people wanted to ask us, we were more than willing to share, but we didn’t want the chuppah to feel alien to our mostly Orthodox guests.
Daniel & Ben: [A description of the wedding was posted on our wedding website.] This information was not printed in the program handed out the day of the wedding as it was important for the two of us to present what we are doing in the moment as normative Jewish ritual. Including too much information undermines that goal. That said, we did have a lot of fun thinking through all the different modifications we made to a traditional Jewish wedding and those of you who are interested can find that information [on the website].
Procession
The common mixed-sex convention for the wedding procession is the groom’s party and family followed by the groom, generally walked by his parents, and then the bride’s party and family, followed by the bride, generally walked by her family. Un-gendering this order is important to some couples who view themselves as co-equal partners rather than the man welcoming the woman into his family, or more simply to couples who are reluctant to have partners associated with the bride or groom roles. Here are some solutions couples have devised.
Y&R: The procession commenced with our siblings and their families walking down two aisles. Our siblings ascended the bimah and together erected the chuppah, symbolizing the new Jewish home that we are creating. The chuppah is open on all sides, just as Abraham and Sarah’s tent was open on all sides to welcome guests in unconditional hospitality. Our chuppah is made of the talitot that we each gave the other over the past six years, reinforcing our commitment to provide shelter for one another. Once our chuppah is in place, we enter the sanctuary at the same time, each walking down one of the two aisles with our parents. Rather than circling one another before entering the chuppah, we each assist the other to don a kittel. We then together enter the chuppah.
H&J: We didn’t like the idea of one of waiting at the chuppah for the other. We thought about having two aisles and walking down with our parents simultaneously, though we realized that would be impractical, and the photographer strongly advised against it. Instead, we had our respective siblings and grandparents alternate during the procession. Then my parents walked me to the front row of chairs, followed by his parents leading him to the same spot. We walked the last little bit and entered chuppah together.
Jeremy & Michael: Since I had a tisch and we didn’t want it to seem like we were taking on gendered roles, Michael went first under the chuppah. We also split our procession by relations not by family, so all the siblings on both sides went first then Michael. Then the wedding “party” (Maid of Honor, Best Man) and grandparents went second followed by me. Logically this was mostly so that my sisters could do the singing
Lara & Lauren: Lara’s brother, then Lara with both her parents, then Lauren’s sister, then Lauren with both her parents. It was important to us and our families for our parents to walk us down the aisle, and our siblings were our only attendants. We basically decided that the dress got to go second—the order wasn’t a big deal for us.
R&D: We had each of our families process in order, followed by each of us (one after the other). We weren’t particularly concerned about giving the impression of one of us being more important, and we liked the idea of each of us having our own moment to walk.
Daniel & Ben: After the officiant, Ben’s wedding party plus his grandparents walked down. The grandparents sat in their seats and the wedding party stood at a side of the chuppah on the floor. And then Daniel’s wedding party walked down and they stood at the other side of the chuppah on the floor. Ben came first accompanied by his parents. He hugged and kissed his parents and they stood at the side of the chuppah up on the platform. Then Daniel walked down accompanied by his parents. Daniel hugged and kissed them, and then Ben hugged and kissed Daniel’s parents, and then Daniel’s parents went to stand at the other side of the chuppah up on the platform. The song (from Shir HaShirim 2:3) continued as Daniel circled Ben three times, Ben circled Daniel three times, and then we circled each other once. We walked together up to the platform on Ben’s parents’ side of the chuppah so Daniel could hug and kiss them.
Circling
Aish.com: Under the chuppah, the Ashkenazi custom is that the bride circles the groom seven times. Just as the world was built in seven days, the kallah is figuratively building the walls of the couple’s new world together. The number seven also symbolizes the wholeness and completeness that they cannot attain separately.
Orrin Wolpert: While the exact reason for circling has been lost, many suppose that this act allows one spouse to set the other apart as unique and to create a sacred space for him. Others suggest that circling symbolizes the intertwining of the two families. In different traditions, the number of circles vary, with some communities advocating for three revolutions (three is associated with holiness in Judaism) while others advocate for seven revolutions (associated with completeness in Judaism).
In our relationship, we take equal responsibility for creating a sacred space and respect for one another. As well, we rely on our families to support our relationship. Accordingly, we will each circle the other three times, for a total of six circles. Our parents will then join hands to complete a seventh circle around us, symbolizing both the merging of and support from our families.
During circling, the musicians will play HaMalach HaGoel. This song is based on Genesis 48:16, where Jacob draws on the spirit of his good fortune to bless his descendants, Ephraim and Menashe, for a safe and fulfilling life. We are honoured to receive this blessing from our friends and family praying for our good fortune and that we too may live to carry on the names of our forefathers.
| הַמַּלְאָךְ הַגֹּאֵל אֹתִי מִכָּל רָע יְבָרֵךְ אֶת הַנְּעָרִים וְיִקָּרֵא בָהֶם שְׁמִי וְשֵׁם אֲבֹתַי אַבְרָהָם וְיִצְחָק וְיִדְגּוּ לָרֹב בְּקֶרֶב הָאָרֶץ. | May the angel who has delivered me from all harm bless these lads. May they carry on my name and the names of my fathers, Abraham and Isaac, and may they grow into a multitude on earth. |
Daniel & Ben: We were dropped off by our families right before the chupah so that we could circle each other and then go and stand underneath. We circled in front of the chuppah for logistical reasons. The chuppah was elevated slightly and didn’t have enough space to do the circling.
H&J: We opted not to have anyone circle. We didn’t feel compelled by any of the reasons for it, believed it to irredeemably gendered, and also just wanted to keep the ceremony moving.
Greeting the couple
The mesader kidushin greets the bride as she walks toward the chuppah with a traditional invocation of welcome:
| בְּרוּכִים הַבָּאִים בְּשֵׁם יי, [בֵּרַכְנוּכֶם מִבֵּית יי]. Or, simply בָּרוּךְ הַבָּא | Welcome in the name of Hashem [May you be blessed from the house of Hashem] Or, simply, Welcome |
(Words in brackets only said in a synagogue.) Followed by a benediction:
| מִי אַדִּיר עַל הַכֹּל, מִי בָּרוּךְ עַל הַכֹּל, מִי גָּדוֹל עַל הַכֹּל, מִי דָּגוּל עַל הַכֹּל, הוּא יְבָרֵךְ אֶת הֶחָתָן וְאֶת הַכַּלָּה. | Who is powerful above all, Who is blessed above all, Who is great above all, Who is supreme above all, May He bless the groom and bride. |
Approach 1: Gendered revision
Orrin Wolpert: The greeting and invocation are from mixed‐sex ceremonies, with only minor changes to reflect gender.
CJLS: (Ceremony A)
| בְּרוּכוֹת הַבָּאוֹת / בְּרוּכִים הַבָּאִים בְּשֵׁם יי, בֵּרַכְנוּכֶן / בֵּרַכְנוּכֶם מִבֵּית יי. מִי אַדִּיר עַל הַכֹּל, מִי בָּרוּךְ עַל הַכֹּל, מִי גָּדוֹל עַל הַכֹּל, מִי דָּגוּל עַל הַכֹּל, הָרֵעוֹת הָאֲהוּבוֹת / הָרֵעִים הָאֲהוּבִים. | Welcome in the name of Hashem May you be blessed from the house of Hashem. Who is powerful above all, Who is blessed above all, Who is great above all, Who is supreme above all, May He bless these loving companions. |
Approach 2: Alternate welcomes
The couple is greeted as above, but replaces the benediction with something else.
Y&R: As we enter the chuppah and before saying a few words to introduce this event, the rabbi will welcome guests and family through the traditional greeting Baruch HaBa, “Welcome to all who come,” and chant a passage that traditionally accompanies the bedtime Shema and reminds us of those who might not be physically present with us today but are nevertheless here in spirit.
| בְּשֵׁם הַשֵּׁם אֱלֹהֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל: מִימִינִי מִיכָאֵל וּמִשְּׂמֹאלִי גַבְרִיאֵל וּמִלְּפָנַי אוּרִיאֵל וּמֵאֲחוֹרַי רְפָאֵל וְעַל רֹאשִׁי שְׁכִינַת אֵל. | In the name of God, God of Israel May Michael be at my right And Gavriel at my left Uriel before me Raphael behind me And above my head, the presence of the Shechina. |
CJLS: Ceremony B
| מִי שֶׁבֵּרַךְ אֲבוֹתֵינוּ אַבְרָהָם יִצְחָק וְיַעֲקֹב [וְאִמֹּתֵינוּ שָׂרָה רִבְקָה רָחֵל וְלֵאָה] הוּא יְבָרֵךְ אֶת הָרֵעוֹת הָאֲהוּבוֹת / הָרֵעִים הָאֲהוּבִים. | May the One who blessed our forefathers Avraham, Yitzchak, and Yaakov, [and our foremothers Sarah, Rivkah, Rachel, and Leah], bless these loving companions. |