Aufruf
Orrin Wolpert: The aufruf is the honour that a groom receives before the Torah during the week prior to his wedding. It serves two purposes: (i) in most communities, the actual wedding ceremony is restricted to invited guests. The aufruf gives the broader community an opportunity to bless the couple and celebrate the continuity of the Jewish people through marriage. (ii) Weddings are logistically complicated events. The aufruf allows a couple to kick off their wedding week with their community and helps elevate them from the minutia of wedding planning to the important emotional and spiritual journey they are undertaking. For these reasons, we have chosen to have an aufruf. We will be called to the Torah to receive a shared aliyah on the Shabbat preceding our wedding weekend.
At the aufruf, on the Shabbat preceding the wedding or at an earlier week that’s convenient, the groom-to-be would ordinarily get an aliyah. (“Aufruf” means “calling up” and is at its core no more than this single event.) The aliyah is often maftir so the groom can read the haftarah. For two grooms, or two brides at a minyan that allows this, think about who will do what. If one partner gets maftir, does the other partner want to lead davening, give a dvar torah, or otherwise have a larger role than simply an earlier aliyah? (Many Reform and some Conservative shuls will allow joint aliyot.)
Couples from Orthodox families will likely find that their parents’ shuls will not host an aufruf for a same-sex wedding, and may not be sure how to recognize an upcoming wedding at all. Can a groom, or a parent, get an aliyah in celebration? Can the gabbai announce why these people are getting aliyot? Will the shul host a kiddush? An aufruf is not a halachicly mandated event, but a near-universally observed custom with a lot of weight and importance. As such, forgoing an aufruf is an option, though not a desirable one.
If the couple is unable to have their aufruf at their usual minyan or that of their families, a local Conservative shul or partnership minyan may be an option, though some Orthodox family members may not be comfortable attending. Since many partnership minyanim have separate seating and by and large use traditional liturgy, Orthodox family members may be more comfortable there than at a Conservative shul with mixed seating and a service that may be abbreviated or partly in English. Couples can also consider hosting their own minyan in a rented space with a borrowed sefer torah. It is a good idea to reach out to Orthodox family members early to assess their comfort with attending and participating in different kinds of minyanim so that arrangements can be made around other congregations’ programming schedules.
Wedding announcements
Wedding announcements can be a source of frustration and controversy on their own. Many shuls—even otherwise liberal ones—will refuse entirely to posting announcements in the newsletter or giving well wishes from the bimah. Others may try to split the difference and “wish a mazel tov to the Almoni family on their upcoming wedding” or even “on the upcoming wedding of Ploni/Ploniah” without mentioning the spouse as a way not to upset certain congregants. Some may wish a mazel tov from the bimah on Shabbat but not put anything in writing which could get passed around and elicit negative community feedback. At least one shul in the past rescinded a wedding announcement after complaints. These actions are upsetting not only to the couples but to their families and friends as well.
While there may not be any satisfactory solutions here, it is a good idea to find out what exactly a shul is willing to do well in advance. Does the shul have any kind of existing policies about same-sex couples or LGBT congregants? Do they have a policy regarding wedding announcements for intermarrying couples or couples getting married outside an Orthodox setting that could be used as a guide, or at least to set expectations? Are they willing to have a board meeting, congregational meeting, or listening tour to create a general policy to govern future same-sex weddings? Find out if the rabbi has a relationship with the rabbi at another shul that has done such things.
The end result may still be that the shul will not make an announcement at all, or that their recognition of the wedding will be inadequate. But it’s likely best to get that established early on rather than have to deal with increased tensions right before the wedding that would detract from last minute preparations or the overall joy of the event. It may even provide time to advocate for and brainstorm other solutions. There’s probably something to be said here about encouraging all shuls to begin these conversations now, before there is a particular family and personal politics involved, but that’s a discussion for another time.
Additional pre-wedding customs
Many communities have a number of customs for the soon-to-be-married couple in the days leading up to the wedding, which couples may choose to observe or adapt to their preferences, including:
- regional customs like a henna
- not seeing each other for the week or the weekend leading up to the wedding
- for the bride to immerse in the mikvah
- fasting the day of the wedding until the ceremony
Orrin Wolpert: Following the aufruf, we will not see one another until the wedding day. In this way, we can experience our last moments of singlehood and reflect independently on and build anticipation for the upcoming event. We will each go to a mikveh during the week preceding our wedding.
Couples can also choose to perform, adapt, or reject other American wedding customs as they see fit for a same-sex Jewish context.
- Will there be a rehearsal dinner or pre-wedding celebration of some kind?
- Will both brides wear wedding dresses? How will the couples’ clothing coordinate?
- Do partners want to get ready separately—and take separate prep photos—followed by a “first look,” or get ready together (assuming they will see each other before kabbalat panim)?
- Will there be a wedding party of groomsmen and bridesmaids, including a best man and maid of honor, and how would the wedding party be broken out by gender?