Prior to the wedding ceremony itself, the bride and groom are typically greeted and entertained by guests during kabalat panim, literally the “receiving of faces,” at two simultaneous events in different rooms, the hachnasat kallah and the tisch, respectively, which are often separated by gender. But what if there are two grooms or two brides?
Tisch
Tisch is the Yiddish word for table, and it’s common for there to be long tables set up, often in a U shape, with the groom in the middle. The ketuba is frequently signed by witnesses at the tisch (though some couples choose to have it signed when it is read under the chuppah), often along with other documents like the civil marriage license and t’nayim.
Approach 1: One tisch
Ben & David: The simple answer (really the answer) is that I wanted to have one, and David didn’t. So we started with everyone mingling, then at some point my tisch began in a side room, meanwhile the mingling continued (aka cocktail hour) while David just mingled with all the people there. Then we danced back to the central area for the bedeken. I was danced from my tisch room; and David was danced over from the farthest part of the central space to the designated meeting spot with me for the bedeken.)
Lara & Lauren: Lara had a traditional tisch, herring and all, because it was important to her. Lauren had nothing and instead used the time to get ready, as we had a morning wedding and it wasn’t important to her. Lara was danced down the stairs after the tisch to the bedeken.
Approach 2: Two Tisches
Daniel & Ben: The downstairs social hall of the synagogue where we got married could be divided into smaller rooms. The center space was set up with cocktails and hors d’oeuvres, and we had two separate tischen in two side rooms. We asked friends to MC the tischen. At B’s tisch, people went back and forth between songs and pre-arranged toasts. At D’s, people went back and forth between songs and two pre-arranged toasts before D gave a dvar Torah that was interrupted frequently (and joyously!) with song. At the end of the two tischen (which we hoped to time perfectly, but there was a little gap), our guests danced each of us out to the center space.
Y&Y: Two tisches
Approach 3: Joint tisch
H&J: My family is Orthodox and knew what would normally happen at a tisch, but his isn’t. We didn’t want to make any part of the family feel left out or like they were missing something or to be confused about anything. So rather than have two tisches where one would require more instruction and orchestration, we did one tisch together. We held it half an hour before the official wedding call time and only invited the families and the very close friends who were acting as witnesses to keep it smallish (just the family was over 50 people!). Both the civil license and the ketuba/shtar were signed there, alongside toasts and brief words from the rabbi. Then everyone, including us, left to mingle and nosh during the cocktail hour before the ceremony.
Approach 4: No tisch
If two brides both want to have a hachnasat kallah, there may be no tisch, and documents could be signed at another juncture. See Hachnasat Kallah below.
T’nayim
Orrin Wolpert: T’nayim (literally conditions) is a legal document that was historically signed six months before a wedding. It outlines the sharing of resources between the couple and accords penalties if a wedding does not occur. The mothers of the couple typically break a plate once the document is signed to signify the binding nature of the agreement, as well as the breaking from one’s childhood home for one’s matrimonial home. There is no halakhic requirement to sign t’nayim and many couples from across the denominational spectrum choose to omit them.
We have decided to sign t’nayim for the following reasons:
- We recognize the tremendous support we receive from our families. T’nayim provide an opportunity for our mothers, as representatives of our families, to actively participate in our wedding process. Through their act of breaking the plates, they commit to support our marriage both through happy and through difficult times.
- The ketubah (appendix C) concerns itself primarily with the financial obligations of the marriage. We wanted to find a means to document some of the emotional obligations we are undertaking. As t’nayim have little religious importance and are not halakhicly required, they may be adapted easily to fulfill this goal.
- On a practical note, the need for witnesses to sign the t’nayim affords us an opportunity to honour cherished loved ones. We spent time apart reflecting on our expectations of ourselves and of each other in our marriage, and through much intense and meaningful discussion arrived at a set of ten clauses that describe our ideals for our relationship. A copy of our t’nayim is included in Appendix B.
Our immediate family and closest friends will meet for an engagement Havdalah ceremony a few months before the wedding. Two relatives will share the role of reading aloud the t’nayim. Once they finish, a third relative will produce a pen. He will ask each groom in turn, “Do you accept the terms and obligations of these t’nayim of your own free will? If so, indicate so by taking this pen and signing your name.” Then he will turn to each of our witnesses, “Did you witness Groom A and Groom B confirm their acceptance of these t’nayim of their own free will? If so, please sign your names as witnesses.” He will then turn to our mothers and indicate for them to break a plate. All shout: Mazal tov! [See p. 22 for text]
The t’nayim is also an opportunity to address in advance the agreed-upon procedures in the event of divorce.
Eyal Levinson: The couple should also be encouraged to sign a tna’im document (as suggested by Reb Zalman Schachter Shalomi) which will make the marriage subject to a set of tna’im, conditions, that will help to avoid suffering if a need arises for the dissolution of the marriage (get).
CJLS: We have also composed a document (Tnai Biverit) to be signed prior to the wedding ceremony that will function as a pre-nuptial agreement in order to eliminate halakhic impediments to divorce should the marriage fail and the couple be unable to arrange for the ceremony of dissolution. This document is to be completed and signed by the couple and their witnesses prior to the wedding ceremony. A copy shall be kept by the officiating rabbi, with the original returned to the couple together with their other marriage documents.
| This is to certify that on the [Hebrew date] day of the [Hebrew month] in the year [Hebrew year], corresponding to the [secular date] of [secular month], [secular year] in [name of jurisdiction], ________ and _______, of their own free will and accord, stipulated the following with respect to the Covenant of Loving Partners that they enter today: I affirm that this is a mutual covenant and agreement, supported by the continuing affirmation of both parties. Should we choose to part at some future time, just as this covenant has been concluded openly before the Jewish people, so do I commit to severing this bond through a dissolution [hafarah] in the fashion ordained by a Jewish court [Bet Din]. Notwithstanding, should we be separated for more than six months with the intent by either party to terminate the union, this covenant shall be null and void. [signed by both partners and two witnesses] |
Note that both CJLS ceremonies rely on the legal mechanism of a brit, and make reference to that here.
Hachnasat Kallah & Bedeken
While the groom is being toasted at the tisch, the bride is greeted by guests at the hachnasat kallah, where she is typically seated on a throne called a kisseh kallah as well-wishers come to have a moment with her. The event culminates with the groom being danced from the tisch to the bride, where he veils her, an act called bedeken. Some say this veiling of the bride can be traced back to the Torah, when Jacob was tricked into marrying Leah, the sister of his intended bride, because she was already covered by a veil at the time of their wedding. Adaptations of this practice could include mutual veiling for two brides, or other forms of dressing each other, including replacing kippot with special kippot, or helping each other put on a kittel or tallit.
Orrin Wolpert: The tradition of bedeken is derived from the biblical story of Rebecca veiling herself as Isaac approached (Genesis 24:65), which is generally understood as an act of modesty. Men, however, do not use veils to express modesty. Rather, we don kippot as a symbol of our humility before HaShem, reminding us of the all‐powerful God above us. Therefore, in place of a veil, we will use kippot for our bedeken.
The bedeken is also associated with Jacob mistakenly wedding a veiled Leah instead of his beloved, Rachel. Accordingly, the bedeken provides the groom a chance before the wedding ceremony to look his beloved in the eye and affirm that this is the person he wishes to marry. As we place kippot on each other’s heads, we will use this final moment to truly see the person we are marrying.
The M’sader Kiddushin leads the couple in an exercise of placing kippot on each other’s heads and affirming that they are each facing the person he wishes to marry.
Eyal Levinson: Lesbians who wish to use the hinumah, the wedding veil, may choose to cover each other. This act can also symbolize the way we intend as a couple to help each other in every aspect of life including dressing one another. In a same-sex union I recently attended the couple decided to put socks and shoes on each other’s feet in front of the guests. By doing so, each one treated the other as a king and both acknowledged in front of the community their intention to continue treating one another in that manner in their marriage life.
Lara & Lauren: We each put a tallis on the other person, which we wore for the chuppah ceremony. Neither of us had interest in a veil. Our thought behind it was that we were bringing each other into our Jewish family, not that we needed to make sure it was the right bride.
R&D: We each did our own kabbalat panim (both outdoors); neither of us did a tisch. Our friends danced us toward each other, but in lieu of a bedekin, we did a signing ceremony of our brit ahuvim with all of our guests at that point. Neither of us wore a veil.
Y&R: By custom, a kittel is worn during liminal moments, i.e. those periods of transition from one reality to another, which were traditionally considered to be fraught with peril and danger. The wearing of the white garment, symbolizing purity, was considered a talisman to safely convey the wearer through the transition to the new reality. Assisting the other to put on the kittel not only symbolizes our intent to care for and clothe one another but also reflects our commitment to walk with the other through all of life’s transitions.
Ben & David: In our bedeken, we were each danced towards each other by our friends. We then faced away from each other, closing our eyes, and the Rabbi took us back through special moments in our relationship, and taking a moment to take in the crowd. After we confirmed that each of us is whom he purports to be, our parents helped us put on the kittels and taking a moment to give us a blessing. We each then tied the other’s kittel belt—securely and fashionably. The idea was to mix something with our parents helping us get fully ready, and also some physical signifier with each other (tying the kittels). We wanted to walk down the aisles with our kittels rather than putting them by the chupah.
Daniel & Ben: We did not do a bedeken, but instead helped one another put on our kittels. (I suppose we chose to not call it a “bedeken” because even though we were putting on kittels, that didn’t really feel like a moment of “covering,” which is what the word literally means.) We had our officiant read this verse from Isaiah (61:10) as an intention:
| שׂוֹשׂ אָשִׂישׂ בַּיי, תָּגֵל נַפְשִׁי בֵּאלֹהַי כִּי הִלְבִּישַׁנִי בִּגְדֵי יֶשַׁע, מְעִיל צְדָקָה יְעָטָנִי, כֶּחָתָן יְכַהֵן פְּאֵר. | I will greatly rejoice in the LORD, my soul shall be joyful in my God; for He has clothed me with the garments of salvation, He has covered me with the robe of victory, as a bridegroom puts on a priestly diadem. |
During this time, our officiant also signed our Pennsylvania marriage license. Then we each had a moment with our parents during which they offered the priestly blessing.
Jeremy & Michael: We danced towards each other and met in the middle; we swapped tallitot as a replacement for anything veil related; and my parents gave us brachot (though that was a last-minute addition, but we still liked it).
Rabbi Aaron Weininger proposes a more robust bedeken ceremony involving a tallit:
Two honored guests hold a tallit between the brides or grooms. To be recited by the officiant: Today you will be embraced by the tallit, by the community that lifts up our tradition as we live it today, and by one another. Now we ask you to turn to one another as you recite the meditation for donning the tallit. Family and friends drape the couple in the tallit as the couple recites together: מה יקר חסדך, אלהים, ובני אדם בצל כנפיך יחסיון. ירוין מדשן ביתך, ונחל עדניך תשקם. כי עמך מקור חיים, באורך נראה אור. משוך חסדך ליודעיך, וצדקתך לישרי לב To be recited by the officiant: This tallit represents the tradition and its commandments that embrace you. This tallit helps bring you as a couple into the shelter of God’s love. As the barrier of the tallit is lowered and you are draped in its cloth, you may recognize the power of seeing one another. The tzizit are meant to remind the Jewish people of God, as we are instructed to see the tzizit, “ur’eitem otam.” By seeing them we are reminded of God’s presence in our lives and God’s instruction to remain loyal to the tradition. We also see one another. We recall God’s presence here today and in the years ahead, dwelling in the shelter of your home. In these moments before huppah, we ask you to meditate quietly on the tzizit and then, when ready, to make yourselves visible as a couple before our community and God. We prepare for huppah v’kiddushin with the gathering of the tzizit, to remind us of the potential for wholeness. This ceremony will close with the breaking of the glass. There is still brokenness in this world, but the coming together of the tzizit, our joy and your love for one another, will contribute to the repair our world so desperately needs. If the partners wish to circle one another, continue here. Otherwise, singing and dancing bring the kallot or hattanim under the huppah. When they are prepared, the couple lifts up the tallit and gathers the tzizit in front of their family and friends. The officiant recites: We recite in the blessing before the Shema, Ahavah Rabbah: והביאנו לשלום מארבע כנפות הארץ The tallit may be removed from the couple, and each partner may choose to wear his or her personal tallit at this point. Each partner circles the other twice, for a total of four circles. An honored guest recites: May you enter the huppah in peace. (First circle) |