[Note: this page is still under construction]
Problems with the ketuba
The traditional ketuba is problematic in a number of respects.
Rabbi Steve Greenberg: The standard ketubah requires the groom to promise one hundred silver pieces in the event of divorce or death. The bride is expected to bring from her family a dowry valued at one hundred silver pieces and the groom is to add to her dowry another one hundred silver pieces of his own. In total, every couple was expected to begin their lives together with two hundred silver pieces, and were he to divorce her, she would receive all three hundred silver pieces in the settlement. The protections of the ketubah were noble when they were enacted, but in practice contemporary U.S. divorce law exceeds these stipulations.
In addition to financial matters, duties and obligations of other sorts are recorded. He obligates himself to pay for her food and clothing and provide for her sexual needs, and she is expected to serve him and create a household according to “the custom of Jewish wives.” The specific delineation of duties in the ketubah is highly gender role-determined and would not be typical or representative of the nature of marriage for many contemporary couples.
Like most contracts in Jewish law, it is signed by two witnesses (who are not related to the parties) and not the parties themselves. As also noted above, the shtar ketuba can be contingent on the ring exchange or accepted by a second acquisition.
The shtar ketuba is, again, a legal contract from the groom to the bride, and reading the text shows it is not a romantic document, despite the ornate decoration they typically feature and the pride of place they take at the wedding and in the Jewish home. A number of egalitarian ketuba texts have been written, including by Rabbi Gordon Tucker, to deal with the gender issues. Furthermore, many couples who don’t care about the halachic nature of the ketuba choose texts that include statements of love and devotion, to be signed by the couple and officiant, with no legal weight. As a result, the word “ketuba” has taken on a colloquial definition of a beautifully crafted wedding document that is signed at the wedding. Various formulations of the wedding ceremony, as outlined here, place different demands on a document of legal union. To that end, the word “ketuba” by itself is used here to the general form of a signed document, with “shtar ketuba” referring specifically to a document that undergirds kiddushin. Other contract forms will be similarly referred to by their technical name, such as shtar brit and shtar shutafut.
Some ceremony constructions intrinsically link the ketuba to the ring exchange, which would require certain language in both. Ceremonies where ring exchange carries all of the legal weight do not require a contract, and the ketuba could then use a complimentary legal mechanism or none at all. There could even be no ketuba in that circumstance, but much like the breaking of a glass, a ketuba remains one of the visual markers of a Jewish wedding.
For ketubot based on vows, covenants, or partnerships, there are no requirements for what those documents should include; only the framing language is specific to those mechanisms. Thus, the texts can include any manner of commitments to the other, including to fidelity, family structure, personal responsibilities and obligations, financial commitments, statements of love, emotional aspirations, and descriptions of legal mechanisms to be used in the event of separation. Nearly anything is fair game. The historic shtar ketuba is written in Aramaic, but there’s no reason why any other kind of ketuba can’t be written in Hebrew or even in the couple’s native language. Some may even choose to have a secondary text in English or another native language to include statements of love if the primary Aramaic/Hebrew text focuses on legal aspects.
Y&R: To decide on the terms of the agreement between us, we started by talking through our ideas about the commitments we should make between us, including practical, religious and emotional obligations. Although we considered the traditional obligations of a married couple, as outlined in a ketubah, we were not restricted by these. Our shtar describes the commitments between us within the framework of the covenantal relationships between God and the Jewish people, illustrating the commitments through analogy with Britot described in the Tanach (Jewish scripture).
The English and Hebrew documents are based on the Shtar Brit that our friends created for their 2005 ceremony. Their language was replete with echoes of Tanach and many other diverse sources from within our tradition, and felt authentic and appropriate. While we have incorporated most of their language verbatim, we made several English modifications in discussion with our rabbi.
Sample texts
Highlighted texts are to be personalized for the couple.
CJLS: Covenant of Loving Partners.
בְּ_____ בְּשַׁבָּת, _____ יוֹם לְחֹדֶשׁ _____, שְׁנַת חֲמֵשֶׁת אֲלָפִים וּשְׁבַע מֵאוֹת וְ_____ לַמִּנְיָן שֶׁאָנוּ מוֹנִים כַּאן בְּ_____ בִּמְדִינַת _____ אָמְרוּ _____ בֶּן/בַּת _____ וְ_____ בֶּן/בַּת _____ בִּפְנֵי עַם וְעֵדָה בְּהַצְהָרָה קְדוֹשָׁה: יְהֵא יָדוּעַ בָּזֶה שֶׁנִקְשְׁרוּ נַפְשׁוֹתֵינוּ זוֹ בְּזוֹ בְּקִשְׁרֵי אַהֲבָה וּמְסִירוּת הֲדָדִית, וּבְכַוָּנָתֵנוּ בְּעֶזְרַת יי לִהְיוֹת נֶאֱמָנִים זֶה לָזֶה/נֶאֱמָנוֹת זוֹ לְזוֹ בְּאוֹפֶן בִּלְעָדִי כָּל־יְמֵי חַיֵּינוּ עֲלֵי אֲדָמוֹת, כְּמוֹ שֶׁשָׁנוּ רַבּוֹתֵינוּ, יִקְנֶה אָדָם חָבֵר לְעַצְמוֹ שְׁיֹאכַל עִמּוֹ וְיִשְׁתֶּה עִמּוֹ וְיִקְרָא עִמּוֹ וְיִשְׁנֶה עִמּוֹ וְיִישַׁן עִמּוֹ וִיגַלֶה לוֹ כָּל סְתָרַיו / תִּקְנֶה אִשָּׁה חֲבֵרָה לְעַצְמָהּ שְׁתֹּאכַל עִמָּהּ וְתִּשְׁתֶּה עִמָּהּ וְתִּקְרָא עִמָּהּ וְתִּשְׁנֶה עִמָּהּ וְתִּישַׁן עִמָּהּ וּתְגָּלֶה לָהּ כָּל סְתָרֶיהָ, סִתְרֵי תּוֹרָה וְסִתְרֵי דֶרֶךְ אֶרֶץ.* אֲנַחְנוּ נִשְׁתָּתֵף מִן־הַיּוֹם הַזֶה וָהָלְאָה בְּשִׁיתּוּף גָמוּר כַּרָאוּי בְּאוֹשֶׁר וּבְלֵב שָׁלֵם וּנְקַיֵּם מֶשֶׁק בַּיִת מְשֻׁתָּף. נִהְיֶה זֶה לָזֶה רֵעִים אֲהוּבִים / זוֹ לְזוֹ רֵעוֹת אֲהוּבוֹת וְנוֹקִיר וּנְכַבֵּד וּנְפַרְנֵס וְנִסְעַד זֶה אֶת זֶה/זוֹ אֶת זוֹ בְיוֹשֶׁר וּבֶאֱמוּנָה. בְּעֶזְרַת יי בִּמְעוֹנֵנוּ יִשְׁרוּ אַהֲבָה וְאַחֲוָה שָׁלוֹם וְרֵעוּת וְנִזְכֶּה לְטַפֵּחַ יַחַד אֶת מוֹרֶשֶׁת הַיַּהֲדוּת, אַהֲבַת יִשְׂרָאֵל וּכְבוֹד הַבְּרִיּוֹת. כָּל מַה שֶׁכָּתוּב וּמְפוֹרָשׁ לְעֵיל נֶאֱמַר וְנַעֲשָׁה לְפָנֵינוּ, וְהַכֹּל שָׁרִיר וְקַיָּם.
____________עד/ה | On the ______ day of the week, the ______ day of the month of ______ in the year five thousand seven hundred ______, corresponding to the secular date of ______, here in ______ in the country of ______ we, ______ the daughter/son of ______ and ______ the daughter/son of ______, before the people and the congregation make this holy declaration: “Let it be known that our souls are bound one to the other with bonds of love and mutual devotion, and that it is our intention, with God’s help, to be exclusively faithful to each other all the days of our lives upon this earth. As our Sages taught: A person should find a partner with whom to eat, drink, read, study, sleep, and share every secret, secrets of Torah and secrets of life.* We shall share from this day a complete partnership, joyfully and wholeheartedly establishing a household in common with moral and financial responsibilities for one another. We shall be loving partners for each other and will cherish, respect, sustain and assist one another in righteousness and faithfulness. With God’s help may our dwelling be filled with love and harmony, peace and companionship, and may we be privileged to nurture together our Jewish heritage, our love for our fellow Jews and the dignity of every creature.” We, the witnesses, attest that everything that is written and specified above has been done in our presence and is valid and effective.
(Signature)____________________, witness * Avot d’Rabbi Natan A, 8:3, adapted from the original for the female conjugation. |
Rabbi Stuart Kelman: Covenant of Love – ברית רעות. [Note this is written with feminine conjugation throughout. The translation of the opening lines has been edited to more closely parallel the Hebrew. The original can be seen on the link.]
בְּ_____ בְּשַׁבָּת, _____ יוֹם לְחֹדֶשׁ _____, שְׁנַת חֲמֵשֶׁת אֲלָפִים וּשְׁבַע מֵאוֹת וְ_____ לבריאת עולם לַמִּנְיָן שֶׁאָנוּ מוֹנִים כַּאן בְּ_____ בִּמְדִינַת _____, _____ בַּת _____ וְ_____ בַּת _____ בנוכחותם של משפחותיהן וידידיהן אמרו זו לזו: בבואן יחדיו בברית רעות זו. בהשראת אהבתי עליך וחיינו המשותפים אני מבטיחה לכבד אותך ואת אשר תבחורי, לתמוך בך הן בשעת צער וכאב והן בשעת שמחה, להיות לך לחברה לאוהבה ולשותפה. לשמוח בצמיחתך ובאושרך ולהכיר ולכבד תמיד את הניצוץ האלוהי אשר בך. הנני מאשרת את מחויבותי להיות אתך למשפחה, לבנות בית אפוף בעשרה ושמחתה של המסורת היהודית ובערקיה מחייבי החיים, להוקיר את הערכים המשותפים לנו, ובו בזמן לכבדו לקבל את הבדילים בינינו, ולטפח את בריתינו עם קהילתנו כשמצוות חסד רחמים ותיקון עולם מנחות את דרכינו. וְהַכֹּל שָׁרִיר וְקַיָּם.
____________ ___________עדים | On the ______ day of the week, the ______ day of the month of ______ in the year five thousand seven hundred ______, in ______ in ______, ______ daughter of ______ and ______ daughter of ______ exchanged the following promises in the presence of their family and friends. Inspired by my love for you and the life which we have shared, I vow to respect you and your choices, to support you in times of sadness and pain as well as joy, to be your friend, your lover and your companion, to celebrate your growth and happiness and to always honor and acknowledge the divine spark within you. I affirm my commitment to be a family with you, to build a home surrounded with the richness of joys of the Jewish tradition and life-affirming values, to treasure the values we share, while also respecting and embracing our differences, and to nurture our commitment and bond with community, guided by the precepts of kindness, compassion and life partners, and affirm our sacred covenant with each other according to the traditions and customs of our people. Our pledges are valid and abiding.
(Signatures)____________________, witnesses |
E&R, also using a brit:
בסימן טוב ובמזל טוב ב_____ בשבת, _____ ימים בחודש _____, שנת חמשת אלפים ושבע מאות ו_____ לבריאת העולם למנין שאנו מונים כאן ב_____ במדינת _____ אנו מעידים איך החתנים הנכבדים __E__ ו__R__ נכנסו בברית נישואין מקודשת תחת החופה לפני משפחותיהם, יקיריהם וקהילתם ואמרו זה לזה: אנו מבטיחים להיות בני זוג שווי ערך, חברים אוהבים ושותפים תומכים בעודנו פוסעים במשעול חיינו יחדיו. מי ייתן ולבותינו יהלמו כלב אחד בעת אנו עונדים את טבעות הנישואין הללו, ושאהבתנו תעלה ותפרח בעודנו מזדקנים יחד. ביראת שמיים נכבד ונקיים האחד את השני לעד, נקים בית מלא שמחה, שחוק, משפחה, שותפות ואהבה. בנאמנות נדאג לצרכינו כמשפחה וכיחידים כפי המקובל במסורת היהודית. החתן __E__ והחתן __R__ הסכימו ביניהם כי כל רכושם יהיה משותף והעניקו זה לזה ייפוי כוח כלכלי. כן קבלו עליהם בקנין גמור מהיום והשטר הזה מקיים זאת ככל שטרי כתובות הנוהגים בישראל כהוגן דלא כאסמכתא ולא כטופסי שטרות. וקנינו מן החתן __E__ לחתן __R__, ומן החתן __R__ לחתן __E__ בכלי שכשר לקבל בו קניין. והכול שריר ובריר וקיים.
נאום __________________ עד וגם אנו באנו על החתום
____________________ חתן | With a good omen and a good sign On ______, the ______ day of the month of ______, in the year five thousand seven hundred and ______ since the creation of the world, here in ______ in ______ We testify that the distinguished grooms ___E___ and ___R___ entered into a sacred marriage covenant under the chuppah before their families, loved ones and community and said to each other: We promise to be equal spouses, loving friends and supportive partners as we walk the path of our lives together. Who will give and our hearts will beat as one while we wear these wedding rings, and that our love will rise and blossom as we grow old together. In reverence for God and clean one another forever, we will build a home full of joy, laughter, family, partnership, and love. We will faithfully take care of our needs as a family and as individuals as is customary in the Jewish tradition. The groom ___E___ and the groom ___R___ agreed among themselves that all their property would be common and granted each other an economic power of attorney. Yes, accept them as a complete property from today, and this note maintains this as far as address notes that are used in Israel fairly as a reference and not as banknote forms. And we bought from the groom ___E___ to the groom ___R___, and from the groom ___R___ to the groom with ___E___ in a vessel that is kosher to receive property in. And everything is valid, clear, and effective.
(Signature)____________________, witness And we too came to sign
____________________ groom |
Gordon Tucker
Lara & Lauren: It was not important to us to stick to a traditional contractual theme. Instead, we wanted language that described our commitment to each other. We found something online (labeled a Reform text) and adapted it, with the help of some Hebrew-fluent friends and our rabbi. Our rabbi had us add in a line about the rings being owned jointly and that that made it a valid contract.