Birkat Kohanim – The priestly blessing
It is a common practice for the parents or mesader kedushin to recite the Birkat Cohanim, the priestly blessing, over the couple, traditionally offered by parents to their children every Friday night. Some couples put this much earlier during Kabbalat Panim, or if the parents said it quietly during Kabbalat Panim, the mesader kidushin may say it publicly now.
| [Some begin: אֱלֹהֵינוּ וֵאלֹהֵי אֲבוֹתֵינוּ (וְאִמּוֹתֵינוּ). בָּרְכֵנוּ בַבְּרָכָה הַמְשֻׁלֶּשֶׁת בַּתּוֹרָה הַכְּתוּבָה עַל יְדֵי משֶׁה עַבְדֶּךָ. הָאֲמוּרָה מִפִּי אַהֲרֹן וּבָנָיו כֹּהֲנִים עַם קְדוֹשֶׁךָ. כָּאָמוּר:] | [Some begin: Our God, and God of our Patriarchs (and Matriarchs), bless us with the threefold blessing written in the Torah by Moses Your servant, and pronounced by Aaron and his descendants, kohanim, Your holy people, as it is recorded:] |
| יְבָרֶכְךָ יי וְיִשְׁמְרֶךָ יָאֵר יי פָּנָיו אֵלֶיךָ וִיחֻנֶּךָּ יִשָּׂא יי פָּנָיו אֵלֶיךָ וְיָשֵׂם לְךָ שָׁלוֹם | May God bless you and keep you. May the face of God enlighten you and be gracious to you. May God’s face turn towards you and give you peace. |
Civil ceremony
Being able to marry legally is a miracle to be celebrated in itself. While many couples may sign civil paperwork at the wedding and not call attention to it, others may choose to make the civil marriage an integral part of the ceremony. Since this is not part of the religious service, it can be inserted wherever feels appropriate.
Being able to marry legally is a miracle to be celebrated in itself. While many couples may sign civil paperwork at the wedding and not call attention to it, others may choose to make the civil marriage an integral part of the ceremony. Since this is not part of the religious service, it can be inserted wherever feels appropriate.
Y&R: We feel incredibly fortunate to live in a jurisdiction that provides legal standing to our union, even as we realize that this struggle for full civil rights has a way to go in our country and in our world. While civil marriage often feels like a necessary bureaucratic appendage to the pageantry of a religious wedding ceremony—greeted with the same monotony as registering a car or obtaining a building permit—we felt that in our case it was something absolutely core to our relationship and our reason for getting married.
For this reason, we completed the actual civil license and civil ceremony under the chuppah as part of our religious ceremony. Unfortunately, there really isn’t much pageantry to the civil license, apart from a couple of signatures by “Party 1” and “Party 2,” and the signature of our officiant, Rabbi Steve Greenberg. But all are still welcome to shout “Mazal Tov” when it is finished.
H&J: There is a longstanding tradition in the United States of separating church and state. At the same time, there is a tradition of unifying civil and religious conceptions of marriage, exemplified by religious officiants who invoke spiritual and governmental power in a single breath to declare a couple married (“By the power vested in me by the state of X…”). We understand and respect that practice, but have chosen a different approach for our ceremony. The rabbi declares us married as a matter of Jewish law, pursuant to the rituals and blessings performed. And separately, the judge declares us married as a matter of civil law, pursuant to a civil marriage license that we signed earlier in the day.
This is important to us for many reasons. First and foremost, it signifies our understanding that civil and religious marriage serve different functions and flow from different premises, even though they often overlap in daily life and evoke many of the same values. Today we are married as a Jewish couple, situating ourselves in the story of a chosen people and declaring our spiritual partnership through rites and rituals with ancient heritage. At the same time, we are married in the United States, with all the major and minor benefits that our society and legal code now attach to the institution of marriage.
The fact that we can be married in both legal traditions is truly remarkable, and we therefore celebrate each aspect of our union. In so doing, we affirm the significance of civil marriage in our lives and in our community. As Chief Justice Margaret Marshall of the Supreme Judicial Court of Massachusetts wrote in 2003, “Civil marriage is at once a deeply personal commitment to another human being and a highly public celebration of the ideals of mutuality, companionship, intimacy, fidelity, and family. It is an association that promotes a way of life, not causes; a harmony in living, not political faiths; a bilateral loyalty, not commercial or social projects. Because it fulfills yearnings for security, safe haven, and connection that express our common humanity, civil marriage is an esteemed institution, and the decision whether and whom to marry is among life’s momentous acts of self-definition.”
Additional rituals
Rabbi Stuart Kelman’s Brit Reyut (Covenant of Love) ceremony, composed in 1997 as one of the first ceremonies from a Conservative rabbi, begins with the lighting of candles and additional recitations.
El Malei Rahamim
Some have the tradition to say El Malei Rachamim for close family members who have passed. This could in theory extend to others worthy of remembrance in this context. Most add this under the chuppah alongside birkat kohanim if a parent is not present, but it can also be included with the ketuba signing at the tisch/signing ceremony.
T’fillat Haderech
H&J: In our first blessing together as a married couple, we recite t’fillat haderech, the travelers’ prayer, asking for protection and peace as we begin this journey through life together. We considered using this as the final blessing in our sheva brachot but opted to keep it as a stand-alone act, concluding the wedding ceremony with a prayer for our next adventure.
| יְהִי רָצוֹן מִלְּפָנֶיךָ יְיָ אֱלֹהֵינוּ וֵאלֹהֵי אֲבוֹתֵינוּ, שֶׁתּוֹלִיכֵנוּ לְשָׁלוֹם וְתַצְעִידֵנוּ לְשָׁלוֹם. וְתִסְמְכֵנוּ לְשָׁלוֹם. וְתַדְרִיכֵנוּ לְשָׁלוֹם. וְתַגִּיעֵנוּ לִמְחוֹז חֶפְצֵנוּ לְחַיִּים וּלְשִֹמְחָה וּלְשָׁלוֹם. וְתִשְׁלַח בְּרָכָה בְּכָל מַעֲשֵֹה יָדֵינוּ, וְתִתְּנֵנוּ לְחֵן וּלְחֶסֶד וּלְרַחֲמִים בְעֵינֶיךָ וּבְעֵינֵי כָל רוֹאֵינוּ וְתִשְׁמַע קוֹל תַּחֲנוּנֵינוּ. כִּי אֵל שׁוֹמֵעַ תְּפִלָּה וְתַחֲנוּן אָתָּה: בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יְיָ, שׁוֹמֵעַ תְּפִלָּה. | May it be your will, our God and God of our ancestors, that you lead us toward peace, steer our footsteps toward peace, guide us toward peace, and make us reach our intended destination in life, gladness, and peace. May you bless our every handiwork, and grant us grace, kindness, and mercy in your eyes and in the eyes of all who see us. May you hear the sound of our supplication, because you are God who hears prayer and supplication. Blessed are you, God, who hears prayer. |
Breaking the glass
Why break a glass?
Breaking the glass is one of the other ubiquitous sights at a Jewish wedding. Its usual interpretation of grief is countered by the burst of joy that follows it. Many LGBT couples ascribe additional meaning to it, sharing heartbreak not only for the suffering of Jews and the destruction of the beit hamikdash, but for the suffering of LGBT people as well. In their own words:
Y&R: The breaking of the glass at the end of the Jewish wedding ceremony expresses the sadness that the world is currently far from the perfection of the Messianic era. Even at times of great joy, we are aware that there is extreme injustice, tragedy and unhappiness in the world. On this occasion, we think in particular of all those individuals around the world persecuted, bullied, and tortured because of their sexuality, and the impossibility for them of celebrating their relationships openly as we are able to do today.
Orrin Wolpert: The broken glass reminds us, even at this joyous moment, of the destruction of the temple in Jerusalem and all that is broken in this world. For us, this is an important moment to remember the privilege we enjoy by living in a place where our relationship is affirmed by the laws of the state and acknowledged by the community at large. As we jointly break the glass, we remember that life for many other gay couples is not so easy.
Our M’sader Kiddushin said under the chuppah: There are many explanations for the custom of breaking a glass at this Jewish rite. One interpretation is that this practice reminds you, Groom A and Groom B, along with all who are present, that the Jewish people have a partnership with God in the task of tikkun olam, the healing and repair of the world. Anywhere there is oppression and pain, the Jew is asked to respond. Because so many still lack equality of civil rights in our world and cannot receive the rights of civil marriage, in solidarity with those who do not enjoy the privileges that we take for granted, we break a glass on this day of celebration to remind us that even in this hour of our greatest joy, our world is still incomplete and in need of healing. May the time be soon, speedily and in our day when all who accept the responsibility of marriage also reap its full rights and privileges under the law. May the shattering of this glass by Groom A and Groom B remind them and us to work towards this time of wholeness, this tikkun, for ourselves and our world. Amen.
Eyal Levinson: For gays and lesbians, the breaking of the glass can symbolize shvirat hamuskamot, the breaking of the social order which rejected them. Therefore their marriage becomes not only a personal celebration but also a political act of tikun olam.
Some precede the breaking of the glass with a moment of silence to reflect on these themes, and some will now sing the song Im Eshkachech Yerushalayim, which “expresses our commitment to work towards a time when Jerusalem and the rest of the world are at peace” (Y&R).
| אִם אֶשְׁכָּחֵךְ יְרוּשָׁלָיִם, תִּשְׁכַּח יְמִינִי. תִּדְבַּק לְשׁוֹנִי לְחִכִּי אִם לֹא אֶזְכְּרֵכִי אִם לֹא אַעֲלֶה אֶת יְרוּשָׁלַ יִֽם עַל רֹאשׁ שִׂמְחָתִי | If I forget thee, O Jerusalem, let my right hand forget her cunning. If I do not remember thee, let my tongue cleave to the roof of my mouth; If I do not set Jerusalem above my highest joy. |
How many glasses to break?
The glass was historically broken by the groom. In a same-sex wedding (and increasingly in mixed-sex weddings), couples may designate one partner to break the glass (R&D, H&J), break a glass together (Orrin Wolpert), or have each partner break their own (Daniel & Ben, Lara & Lauren, Y&R, E&R).
H&J: It wasn’t a question that there would be a glass breaking, but if the reasoning was to memorialize grief, the symbol was in the glass, not in the breaking of it by us. It didn’t seem to me that adding a second glass would add to that symbolism, and would just add logistical complications, so we had only one glass that J broke (because he wanted to do it more). In the planning stages of the wedding, someone asked me that if breaking the glass was the groom’s role, was that a concern for one of us to be taking bride’s role. It was meant in support. My first, defensive, thought was that if anyone was keeping score, J broke the glass, but he also walked down the aisle second, so it was kind of a wash, even if the decision wasn’t calculated with that in mind. But I also decided that if anyone was keeping score and had those thoughts, I didn’t need to care about what they thought.
R&D: D broke the glass. Neither of us felt that “egalitarian” meant “both do everything.” I think we actually liked the idea that there were parts of the ceremony each member of the couple did.
Orrin Wolpert: [Breaking one glass together] was definitely a move I regretted. I wanted for us to have a single glass as that felt more traditional. We managed to find basically a mini fluorescent that was long enough for us both to break. But when it broke, it made a bit of a hollow ‘pop’. It was also really hard to find. If I could do it again, I would have had 2 glasses.
Daniel & Ben: We each broke colored glasses (one each) that were then placed in two picture frames that have pictures of the wedding and sit on the table in our foyer. It was a gift from Ben’s grandmother. We broke two for a few reasons. A main one was to fill two picture frames with glass pieces as opposed to one. But other reasons for us included: difficulty in physically coordinating breaking just one, not wanting to signal who was the “man” and who was the “woman” in our relationship, and because Ben’s brother and sister-in-law each broke a glass at their wedding two years before. For me, something unplanned like a coin toss [to determine who would break one glass] would have added stress to the day.
Yichud
The custom of yichud already appears in the Talmud (Ketubot 7b). While the acknowledgement that the rules of yichud (a man and woman being along together in a room, which is prohibited if they are not married to each other) do not necessarily apply to same-sex partners, why not recognize the ritual of spending a few moments together as a newly married couple?