Birkat Erusin

Posted on by hillel

The Jewish wedding is really an all-purpose ceremony in which both engagement/betrothal—erusin—and marriage—nisuin—occur one after the other. The betrothal essentially prohibits the woman from any other man, while the marriage ceremony binds the man and woman together. It wasn’t always this way. A thousand years ago, erusin occurred a year or more in advance of nisuin, marking the bride as the exclusive partner of the groom. Around the time of the Crusades, the events were combined so that no woman whose betrothed was captured would be left unable to marry. The practice of back-to-back engagement and wedding remains with us and still structures a Jewish wedding. The erusin ritual begins with hagafen, the blessing over wine.

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי, אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, בּוֹרֵא פְּרִי הַגָּפֶן.You are blessed, Lord our God, the sovereign of the world, creator of the fruit of the vine.

Then the Birkat Erusin, the blessing of betrothal, is recited, which dates back to the Talmud (Ketubot 7b).

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי, אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, אֲשֶׁר קִדַּשְׁנוּ בְּמִצְוֹתָיו וְצִוָּנוּ עַל הָעֲרָיוֹת, וְאָסַר לָנוּ אֶת הָאֲרוּסוֹת וְהִתִּיר לָנוּ אֶת הַנְּשׂוּאוֹת עַל יְדֵי חֻפָּה וְקִדּוּשִׁין, בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי, מְקַדֵּשׁ יִשְׂרָאֵל עַל יְדֵי חֻפָּה וְקִדּוּשִׁין.You are blessed, Lord our God, the sovereign of the world, Who has sanctified us by Your commandments and commanded us concerning [forbidden] intimate relationships and forbidden to us those women who are [only] betrothed with erusin, but permitted to us those women who are married to us by chuppah and kiddushin. You are blessed, Adonai, that sanctifies the people Israel by chuppah and kiddushin.

This is blessing is problematic in this context (and for some, even in a mixed-sex context) for a few obvious reasons.

Rabbi Steve Greenberg: This blessing is obviously said by or for the groom, the “us” being a collective reference to Israelite men. The blessing appears to have been instituted as a warning to couples who might otherwise have engaged in sexual relations during the original time lag between the two ceremonies.

Orrin Wolpert: Birkat Erusin is a blessing about sex, as proposed by Rambam in Hilchot Ishut (3:24). It has three components. First, on the negative side, it prohibits “forbidden unions” (arayot), clearly delineating sexual relations that are inappropriate. Second, on the positive side, it celebrates sex between committed partners. Third, the blessing marks the transition of marriage, thanking HaShem for sanctifying the sexual union of loving couples.

At a high level, we find this blessing quite compelling. However, the specific arayot (forbidden unions) it references are deeply problematic. The arayot are listed in Leviticus 18:6‐23. They prohibit a man from having sex with:

  • a closely related woman (mother, any wives of one’s father, sisters, granddaughters, aunts, daughters‐in‐law, sisters‐in‐law);
  • women who are closely related to one another (mother, daughter, granddaughter);
  • menstruating women;
  • his neighbour’s wife;
  • an animal; and
  • a “zachar” as in the lyings of a woman. (This is the infamous prohibition against “lying with a man as one lies with a woman”).

We do not like this list for a number of reasons:

  • This list contains the prohibition that for centuries has been used to justify the mistreatment of gays (Leviticus 18:22). In our first premise, we establish that we believe this commandment in fact means something quite different. Nonetheless, we cannot ignore the tremendous pain this commandment has caused to gay people throughout history. While we may respect the whole Torah, this is not a verse we choose to emphasize during our wedding ceremony.
  • With the exception of the above verse and the verse about animals, all other passages refer to sex with women. This certainly does not feel appropriate for men attracted to men. More relevant for us would be referencing prohibitions against sex with male relatives (In fact, this is the essence of Rabbi Milgrom’s interpretation of Leviticus 18:22 (i.e., that it extends all the female sexual prohibitions to the male equivalent).)
  • This list does not prohibit the sexual relations we view as most heinous: rape and sex with children. This is not a gay issue, but a human one. For us, any respectable list of sexual boundaries must recognize such relations as unacceptable.

A more appropriate blessing should be found that captures the essence of Birkat Erusin.

Another potential problem comes with the chatimah “מְקַדֵּשׁ יִשְׂרָאֵל עַל יְדֵי חֻפָּה וְקִדּוּשִׁין” if the marriage is enacted not by kiddushin but by brit or shutafut or other method. Rabbi Gabriel Botnick explains that, conveniently, the Rashba’s commentary on Ketubot 7b says that a couple yeshivot held the custom of ending the Kiddushin blessing with Mekadesh Yisrael (without Al Yedi Chupah veKidushin) and that the practice is supported by the RIF’s commentary. And in fact, in the RIF’s commentary, the blessing appears as מקדש ישראל. Using that as the chatimah is thus very much rooted in traditional halakhic language, and most of the approaches below use that phrasing.

Rashba’s commentary on Ketubot 7b:

ולפי מה שכתבנו אין חותמין מקדש ישראל על ידי חופה, לפי שאינו ראוי לחתום על החופה שאינה נעשית, ולא הוזכרה כאן החופה אלא להודיע שאין הארוסה מותרת לארוס אלא בחופה, אלא כך חותמין ברוך מקדש, וכן היא במקצת הנוסחאות. וכן כתב רבינו האיי ז”ל בתשובה, (הובא ברמב”ן וש”ר, ועי’ אוצה”ג סי’ ע’), וגמרא היא בהדיא מקדש ישראל, וכך חותמין בשתי ישיבות מימות חכמים הראשונים עד עכשו, ותוספת זה שאתם מוסיפים, גריעותא היא שאין קדושת ישראל תלויה בכך, ונאה לכם לחזור להלכה ולמנהגינו בהסכמת הכל. עכ”ל גאון זצ”ל. וכן נמצא בתשובות רב אלפסי ז”ל, שכתב בכתב ידו היה כתוב מקדש ישראל על ידי חופה וקידושין, ואח”כ מחק ותיקן מקדש ישראל בלחוד (כ”ה ברמב”ן ואשכול אלבק ח”ב עמ’).

Rabbi Jill Jacobs and Guy Austrian: Several early rabbis note that the Jewish people do not consider our sanctified relationship with God to rely only on huppah and kiddushin, and therefore end the blessing simply with the words “Blessed are You, Adonai our God, who sanctifies Israel.” Sensitive to the fact that many members of our community remain unmarried, either by choice or not, we selected this more general ending, which leaves room for many ways of achieving sanctity.

Approach 1: Egalitarian Adjustment

Jeremy & Michael: We did erusin like any other wedding and simply added “Erusin v’erusot.” (Again, we decided our wedding is no different and erusin still applies to us in the way of marital relations.)

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי, אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, אֲשֶׁר קִדַּשְׁנוּ בְּמִצְוֹתָיו וְצִוָּנוּ עַל הָעֲרָיוֹת, וְאָסַר לָנוּ אֶת הָאֲרוּסִין וַאֲרוּסוֹת וְהִתִּיר לָנוּ אֶת הַנְּשׂוּאִין וַנְּשׂוּאוֹת עַל יְדֵי חֻפָּה וְקִדּוּשִׁין, בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי, מְקַדֵּשׁ יִשְׂרָאֵל עַל יְדֵי חֻפָּה וְקִדּוּשִׁין.You are blessed, Lord our God, the sovereign of the world, Who has sanctified us by Your commandments and commanded us concerning [forbidden] intimate relationships and forbidden to us those men and women who are [only] betrothed with erusin, but permitted to us those men and women who are married to us by chuppah and kiddushin. You are blessed, Adonai, that sanctifies the people Israel by chuppah and kiddushin.

Approach 2: Equivalent Adaptation

Rabbi Jeremy Schwartz: The traditional brakhah presents several problems for many of us:

  1. Heterosexism: “עריות/Forbidden intimate relationships” is a category deriving from Leviticus 18 which can easily be understood to include same-sex unions, as it does in Leviticus.
  2. Sexism: The brakhah is stated in terms of the sexual availability of women for men, who are the normative “we” referred to in the brakhah.
  3. Anachronism: The prohibition of sex in the period between erusin/kiddushin and nisuin/huppah that is the halachic focus of this brakhah stopped making sense about 700 years ago when the two ceremonies were combined into the present single wedding ceremony. It makes even less sense in the context of contemporary sexual practices, in which most couples have been intimate before the wedding.

Nonetheless, the brakhah expresses several ideas I think worth expressing at the wedding ceremony. These ideas are elucidated well in Rabbi Maurice Lamm’s The Jewish Way in Love and Marriage. They are (in my words, not Lamm’s):

  1. The term עריות literally means “nakednesses” and rightly points to the vulnerability that is involved in sexual relationships and that demands particular ethical attention.
  2. Committed relationships involve contractual rights and obligations, but are more than mere contracts. The traditional brakhah expresses this by stating the necessity, but insufficiency of erusin/kiddushin, the contractual part of the wedding.
  3. The ritual affirmation of the commitments of our relationships is one way in which Jews bring holiness into our lives.

In order to address the problems, but maintain those three teachings, I’ve composed the following version of the brakhah, whose sources will be explained below:

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי אֱלֹהֵֽינוּ מֶֽלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, אֲשֶׁר אָֽסַר לָֽנוּ לִצְרֹר לְגַלּוֹת עֶרְוָה וְצִוָּנוּ עַל הַקִּדּוּשִׁין, וּמַכְנִיס אֶת הַמְּקֻדַּשׁוֹת וְהַמְּקֻדַּשִׁים לְחֻפַּת הַנִּישׂוּאִין. בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי, מְקַדֵּשׁ יִשְׂרָאֵל.You abound in blessing, Adonai, our God, sovereign of the universe, who has forbidden us to distress others through intimacy and has commanded us concerning the consecration of kiddushin, and who accompanies consecrated couples to the wedding canopy. We praise You, Adonai, that sanctifies the people Israel.

The phrase “to distress others through intimacy / לצרר לגלות ערוה” is based on Leviticus 18:18, which prohibits marriage to two sisters. The phrase is used here to affirm a prohibition of using sex to another’s distress, while avoiding the hurtful aspects of the category עריות in the traditional brakhah.

The second sentence expresses the necessity of the contractual (kiddushin) aspect of marriage by affirming God’s having commanded it, but also expresses its insufficiency through the image of God bringing couples to the huppah, symbol of the “other part” of marriage. That image draws on a midrash (Kohelet Rabbah 7:7, Talmud Berachot 61a, Eruvin 18b) depicting God as the “shushvin” at the wedding of Adam and Eve.

Rabbi Jill Jacobs and Guy Austrian: Birkat erusin distinguishes between permitted and forbidden sexual relationships. The traditional blessing refers only to a man’s obligation to avoid sex with a woman to whom he is not married. In our version, we affirm a monogamous bond to each other, while understanding permitted sexual relations as those that are ethical, consensual, and loving.

This version, which we composed, is based on the Rambam’s text of birkat erusin (Mishneh Torah Hilkhot Ishut 3:24), in which he substitutes the phrase “והבדילנו מן העריות” presumably to counter the strangeness, notes by many commentators, of making a blessing on what is forbidden. Like a number of early authorities, he also acknowledges that the Jewish people are sanctified through many means, not only huppah and kiddushin. We also drew inspiration from an egalitarian version of birkat erusin written by our friends Rabbis Claudia Kreiman and Ebn Leader.

[Adds Rabbi Amichai Lau-Lavi: A same-sex version can be adapted further.]

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי, אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם אֲשֶׁר קִדַּשְׁנוּ בְּמִצְוֹתָיו וְצִוָּנוּ וְהִבְדִּילָנוּ מִן הָעֲרָיוֹת וְהִתִּיר זֶה לָזו וְזו לָזֶה עַל יְדֵי חֻפָּה וְקִדּוּשִׁין. בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי, מְקַדֵּשׁ יִשְׂרָאֵל.Blessed are you, Adonai our God, sovereign of the universe, who has sanctified us with your commandments and has separated us from unethical sexual behavior and has permitted each of these partners to the other by means of chuppah and kiddushin. Blessed are you, God, who sanctifies Israel.

H&J: To adapt erusin to a same-sex wedding context, we wanted a different construction of the blessing—one that speaks not to the woman saving herself for the man, but rather to the holiness that comes from joining together. The introduction references that the couple will be joining through the shutafut model rather than kiddushin, and the concluding bracha remains. We liked this one from Rabbi Elianna Yolkut & Rabbi Aaron Alexander:

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי, אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם אֲשֶׁר קִדַּשְׁנוּ בְּמִצְוֹתָיו וְהִבְדִּילָנוּ מִן הָאֲחֵרִים וְקִשְׁרֵינוּ זֶה לָזֶה עַל יְדֵי חֻפָּה וְשֻׁתָּפוּת. בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי, מְקַדֵּשׁ יִשְׂרָאֵל.Blessed are you, Adonai our God, sovereign of the universe, who distinguishes us from others and joins us with one another through chuppah and partnership. Blessed are you Hashem, the One who makes the people Israel holy.

Since this re-written blessing was newly invented, we didn’t want to use the “baruch atah … ha’olam” construction to open it, and instead went with a less problematic “baruch asher.” Moreover, as Rabbi Gabriel Botnick pointed out to us, this also “removes the language of mitzvot, as shutafut is not technically a mitzvah.”

בָּרוּךְ אֲשֶׁר הִבְדִּילָנוּ מִן הָאֲחֵרִים וְקִשְׁרֵינוּ זֶה לָזֶה עַל יְדֵי חֻפָּה וְשֻׁתָּפוּת. בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי, מְקַדֵּשׁ יִשְׂרָאֵל.Blessed is the One who distinguishes us from others and joins us with one another through chuppah and partnership. Blessed are you Hashem, the One who makes the people Israel holy.

Rabbi Ayelet Cohen and Rabbi Marc Margolius: The betrothal blessing expresses the commitment to enter into this next stage of a sexually exclusive, committed partnership. Although the standard text concerns prohibitions, this reframing of the blessing affirms the holiness and wholeness of a healthy, liberated sexuality, and sanctifies the couple’s commitment to a relationship founded upon rigorous honesty and mutual respect. (Adapted from a blessing by Tamara Ruth Cohen, Gwynn Kessler, and Ayelet Sonya Cohen)

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ רוּחַ (מֶלֶךְ) הָעוֹלָם מַתִּיר אֲסוּרִים מִפַּחַד בּוּשָׁה וּכְלִימָה וּפוֹתֵחַ לִבֵּנוּ לִקְדֻשַּׁת הַגּוּף וְעֶדְנָתוֹ וְכַוֵּן לִבֵּנוּ לְהִתְאָּרֵס בְּצֶדֶק וּבַמִּשְׁפָּט וּבַחֶסֶד וּבְרַחַמִים. בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי מְקַדֵּשׁ יִשְׂרָאֵל עַל יְדֵי אָהֲבָה בְּכָבוֹד וּבֶאֱמֶת.Blessed are You, our God, Source of Life, who frees us from fear and shame and opens us to the holiness of our bodies and their pleasures. You guide us to entwine our hearts in righteousness, justice, loving kindness and compassion. Blessed are You, who sanctifies Israel through love that is honorable and true.

Orrin Wolpert: We are inspired by the work of Rabbi Ayelet Cohen who proposes a blessing that thanks HaShem for “free[ing] us from fear and shame and open[ing] us to the holiness of our bodies and their pleasures”. Indeed, this blessing far better reflects our values about the sexual acts which should be prohibited (i.e., all those which cause fear and shame), while celebrating the positive acts (i.e., mutually loving sexual activity). Rabbi Cohen’s Birkat Erusin continues by blessing the couple with a betrothal mirroring HaShem’s betrothal to the Jewish people (Hosea 2:19): one of righteousness, justice, loving‐kindness and compassion. This version far better conveys our sense of a betrothal worthy of blessing.

On the third element of Birkat Erusin, the sanctification of unions, Rabbi Cohen chooses to rewrite the blessing to say “Blessed are you HaShem, who sanctifies Israel through love that is honourable and true” rather than the traditional “through chuppah and kiddushin”. We suppose that she does so to acknowledge the validity of sexual unions even when chuppah and kiddushin are denied to a couple. Rather, we prefer to keep the original language, asserting instead that our nontraditional chuppah and kiddushin are as valid as any other. In keeping the original language, we also preserve the timeline of the blessing to acknowledge the meaningful transformation in our relationship that we are undertaking at the instant of chuppah and kiddushin.

Therefore, the blessing we will use is:

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי, אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, מַתִּיר אֲסוּרִים מִפַּחַד בּוּשָׁה וּכְלִימָה וּפוֺתֵחַ לִבֵּנוּ לִקְדוּשַׁת הַגוּף וְעֵדְנָתוֺ וּמְכַוֵן לִבֵּנוּ לְהִתְאָרֵס בְּצֶדֶק וּבְמִשְׁפָּט וּבְחֶסֶד וּבְרַחַמִים. בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי, מְקַדֵּשׁ יִשְׂרָאֵל עַל יְדֵי חֻפָּה וְקִדּוּשִׁין.You are blessed, Lord our God, the sovereign of the world, who frees us from fear and shame and opens us to the holiness of our bodies and its pleasures so that we may become betrothed in righteousness, justice, loving-kindness and compassion. You are blessed, Adonai, that sanctifies the people Israel by chuppah and kiddushin.

Ben & David: Finding the traditional blessing inapt, we used a version written by Rabbi Jason Rubenstein, which utilizes non-gendered language while still remaining true to the textual sources of the blessing.

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי, אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, אֲשֶׁר קִדַּשְׁנוּ בְּמִצְוֹתָיו וְצִוָּנוּ עַל הָעֲרָיוֹת וְהִתִּיר לָנוּ אֶת ההגונים לָנוּ הערבים לָנוּ והנשואים לָנוּ עַל יְדֵי חֻפָּה וְקִדּוּשִׁין. בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי, הַמְקַדֵּשׁ יִשְׂרָאֵל עַל יְדֵי חֻפָּה וְקִדּוּשִׁין.You are blessed, Lord our God, the sovereign of the world, …  that sanctifies the people Israel by chuppah and kiddushin.

Rabbi Jaimee Shalhevet and Rabbi Helayne Shalhevet: [The blessing] speaks about “forbidden relationships”—including ones like ours. So that had to be changed. We opted to bless the loving couple instead of chastising forbidden relationships. A betrothal blessing focused on monogamy and blessing the loving couple:

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי אֱלֹהֵֽינוּ מֶֽלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, אֲשֶׁר קִדְּשָֽׁנוּ בְּמִצְוֹתָיו וְצִוָּֽנוּ לִדְבוֹק זוֹ בְּזוֹ וְלְהִיוֹת לְבָשָֹר אֶחָד[1], וְאָֽסַר עָלֵינוּ אֲחֵרִים[2], וְהִתִּיר לָֽנוּ אֶת הַנְּשׂוּאוֹת לָֽנוּ עַל יְדֵי חֻפָּה וְקִדּוּשִׁין. בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי, מְקַדֵּשׁ עַמּוֹ יִשְׂרָאֵל עַל יְדֵי חֻפָּה וְקִדּוּשִׁין.Blessed are You Eternal our God Ruler of the universe, Who made us holy through God’s commandments and commanded us to cleave one to the other and become as one flesh, and forbade to us others, and permitted to us the one who we marry by means of huppah and kiddushin. Blessed are You God, Who makes holy God’s people Israel by means of huppah and kiddushin.

[1] Text adapted from Genesis 2:24. [2] Changed wording to reflect our modern understanding of monogamy

Eyal Levinson: Awakened to a new understanding of tzedek or justice, this blessing contradicts our perception of a union between equal subjects. For same-sex couples this blessing, which is only concerned with men’s sexual relations to other women (apart from their own wives), is superfluous.

We need to find a substitute to this blessing in order to keep the existing structure of the ceremony. This is the time when we must listen to the Psalmist when he declares: “It is the time to act for YHVH, undo your Torah.” (Ps. 119: 126; see Rabbi Nathan’s interpretation in T. B. Berachot 5: ) For the sake of God we must undo the old and find a more suitable blessing to replace the insensible outdated one. I suggest:

Bruchah At Yah, Elohateinu ruach haolam asher kidshatnu b’mitzvoteiha v’tzivtanu al v’ahavta l’re’acha kamocha, v’asrah aleinu l’halbin pnei habriyot, v’kashrah otanu echad el hasheni (achat el hashniya) al yedei chupah v’kidushin. Bruchah At Yah mekadeshet amah Yisrael al yedei chupah v’kidushin.Blessed are you YHVH, our God source of all, who sanctified us with commandments and commanded us to love our friends as ourselves, and have forbidden us to disgrace others, and have permitted us to one another by chupah v’kidushin. Blessed are you Yah who makes Your people holy by chupah v’kidushin.

The above blessing keeps the structure of the old, only substituting two mitzvot with two others. The last line manifests our new understanding of chupah v’kidushin when we see God as binding us to one another and finally making the whole community, klal yisrael, holy by the unification of yet two more souls who long to be united.

Rabbi Elliot Kukla: In a traditional wedding service birkat erusin, the blessing of betrothal, indicates that the couple is entering into a “permitted” as opposed to a “prohibited” relationship. The definition of “prohibited” relationships in traditional Jewish law includes LGBTIQ expressions of love and identity. However, I think the idea of a blessing for commitment that asserts the idea that the relationship we are celebrating is worth sanctifying is important. I wrote this alternative birkat erusin (Rabbi Justin Lewis helped me to formulate the Hebrew of this blessing) to reflect the idea that lovers of all genders and sexual identities can be holy, but only caring consensual relationships are sanctified within Jewish sacred tradition.

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי אֱלֹהֵֽינוּ מֶֽלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, אֲשֶׁר קִדְּשָֽׁנוּ בְּמִצְוֹתָיו וְצִוָּֽנוּ עַל מִצְווֹת
beyn adam l’chaveyro, v’asar lanu nitsul v’hit’al’lut, v’hitir lanu britot ahuvim.
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי, מְקַדֵּשׁ עַמּוֹ יִשְׂרָאֵל עַל יְדֵי חֻפָּה.		Blessed are You, Eternal, our God and Ruler of the World, who has set us apart through sacred obligations and commanded us about the responsibilities of all humans for each other. You have forbidden exploitation and abuse, and permitted covenants of love. Blessed are You, Eternal One, who makes your people Israel (all those who struggle with God), holy with a chupah (a canopy of love and protection.)

Rabbi Aaron Weininger:

הריני מקבל/מקבלת עלי מצות הבורא: וְאָהַבְתָּ לְרֵעֲךָ כָּמוֹךָ. בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי, מְקַדֵּשׁ עמו יִשְׂרָאֵל עַל יְדֵי חֻפָּה וְקִדּוּשִׁין.

Approach 3: Alternate blessings

CJLS: The Hebrew here uses the language of Deuteronomy 26:15 (הַשְׁקִיפָה מִמְּעוֹן קָדְשְׁךָ מִן-הַשָּׁמַיִם, וּבָרֵךְ אֶת-עַמְּךָ אֶת-יִשְׂרָאֵל).Ceremony A references the Brit Ahuvim that will be invoked later in that ceremony construction, while Ceremony B references partnership (shutafut), will be invoked in the kiddushin for that ceremony. Both close with Hatov Vehameitiv, for fortuitous events.

Ceremony A:

אֱלֹהֵינוּ וֵאלֹהֵי אֲבוֹתֵינוּ וְאִמּוֹתֵינוּ הַשְׁקִיפָה מִמְּעוֹן קָדְשְׁךָ מִן הַשָּׁמַּיִּם וּבָרֵךְ אֶת הָרֵעוֹת הָאֲהוּבוֹת הַכּוֹרְתוֹת בֵּינֵיהֶן בְּרִית אֲהוּבוֹת / הָרֵעִים הָאֲהוּבִים הַכּוֹרְתִּים בֵּינֵיהֶם בְּרִית אֲהוּבִים. בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יְיָ, הַטּוֹב וְהַמֵּיטִיב.Our God and God of our Patriarchs and Matriarchs, look down from Your holy abode, from heaven, and bless these loving companions who are together creating a Covenant of Lovers. Praised are You, Adonai, who is good and does good.

Ceremony B:

אֱלֹהֵינוּ וֵאלֹהֵי אֲבוֹתֵינוּ וְאִמּוֹתֵינוּ הַשְׁקִיפָה מִמְּעוֹן קָדְשְׁךָ מִן הַשָּׁמַּיִּם וּבָרֵךְ אֶת הָרֵעוֹת הָאֲהוּבוֹת הַמִּּשְׁתַּתְּפוֹת / הָרֵעִים הָאֲהוּבִים הַמִּּשְׁתַּתְּפִים יַחַד הַיוֹם בְּשׁוּתָפוּת חַיִּים, וְזַכֵּן שֶׁתֵּשֵׁבְנָה/  וְזַכֵּם שֶׁיֵשְׁבוּ לְפָנֶיךָ בְאַהֲבָה וּבְאַחֲוָה בְּשָׁלוֹם וּבְרֵעוּת. בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי, הַטּוֹב וְהַמֵּיטִיב.Our God and God of our Patriarchs and Matriarchs, look down from Your holy abode, from heaven, and bless these loving companions who are together participating in a Covenant of life-long partnership. May they dwell before You in love, harmony, peace, and companionship. Praised are You, Adonai, who is good and does good.

Daniel & Ben: Erusin contains a blessing which mentions the various sexual prohibitions in the book of Leviticus. For obvious reasons, we did not want to allude to that section of Tanach during our wedding. We did however want to find a blessing that captured something important about the original erusin blessing: namely, the importance for us of sexual exclusivity. Rachel Adler suggests the blessing upon seeing a rainbow, which refers to the covenant made between God and Noah after the flood. By reciting a blessing with covenantal language, we think of our own covenant, which contains language about our commitment to be the other’s sole lover and companion.

That blessing also allows us to recognize LGBTQ pride and heritage during our wedding. (In fact, that part of Rachel Adler’s book suggesting using the rainbow blessing does not say anything about its relevance to LGBTQ people. That was a connection that we noticed and wanted to highlight.) Gilbert Baker, who died [the year before our wedding in 2018], designed the rainbow Pride flag at the request of Harvey Milk, who in 1977 became the first openly gay person elected to high office in a major American city. The flag made its public debut 40 years ago (a meaningful number if we’re talking Noah’s ark) in June, 1978 at the Gay Freedom Day Parade in San Francisco. Tragically, later that year Harvey Milk was assassinated. The organizers of the 1979 Parade decided to include Gilbert Baker’s flag in that parade as well to honor Milk’s legacy. “On [the] day [of that parade], rainbows hung from every light pole up and down both sides of Market [Street] — banners of colorful hope against a bright blue sky. As Gilbert [Baker] marched, he thought of the Bible story of Noah’s ark: the rainbow that appeared after the flood as God’s sign the destruction was over” (Iovannone, 2018).

We asked our officiant to give a shoutout to Gilbert Baker before reading the blessing for seeing a rainbow. [This construction begins with the introductory text from the CJLS proposal above.]

אֱלֹהֵינוּ וֵאלֹהֵי אֲבוֹתֵינוּ וְאִמּוֹתֵינוּ … בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי אֱלהֵֹינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, זוֺכֵר הַבְּרִית וְנֶאֱמָן בִּבְרִיתוֹ וְקַיָם בְּמַאֲמָרוֹ.Our God and God of our Patriarchs and Matriarchs … You are blessed, Lord our God, the sovereign of the world, who remembers the covenant is faithful to Your covenant, and keeps Your promise.

This is also an example of how we “remixed” Adler’s outline for a Brit Ahuvim and the CJLS’s outline for a Brit Ahuvim. Adler says to recite the rainbow blessing after holding up the bag with valuable objects [during nisuin], but we had our officiant recite it at the beginning, as an alternative to the traditional erusin blessing. CJLS’s outline instructs to say “HaTov v’HaMeitiv” at that moment, but we didn’t like that because we felt it only telegraphed “Oh, this is nice” in a way that minimized what we were doing up there.

Gilbert Baker’s memoir was published posthumously a year after our wedding and it confirms that the Pride flag was inspired, in part, by the Noah story in Genesis. Here are the relevant passages:

“A Rainbow Flag was a conscious choice, natural and necessary. The rainbow came from earliest recorded history as a symbol of hope. In the book of Genesis, it appeared as proof of a covenant between God and all living creatures.”

“I think of my life’s journey like a rainbow, only lasting a little while but connected to the Almighty. In the Bible, God says to Noah, ‘I do set my bow in the cloud, and it shall be for a token of a covenant between me and the earth.’ How many rainbows do we experience in a lifetime?”

Approach 4: Invented blessings

[See also Textual Integrity and the Permissibility of Changing Brachot]

Rabbi Jeremy Kalmanofsky and Rabbi Gordon Tucker: (The work of Rabbi Kalmanofsky, as modified by Rabbi Tucker)

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי אֱלהֵֹינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, ואמר: ואהבת לרעך כמוך, ולמדנו לחיות בחסד ובאמונה עם רעינו ועם בעלי בריתינו. בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי, מְקַדֵּשׁ עַמּוֹ יִשְׂרָאֵל עַל יְדֵי אמונת רעים.Blessed are You, Lord our God, Sovereign of the Universe, Who has sanctified us with the Mitzvot, Who said: “You shall love your fellow as yourself”, and Who taught us to live in loyalty and faithfulness with our companions and with our covenanted partners. Blessed are You, Lord, Who sanctifies the people Israel through the faithfulness of loving companions.

An alternative version created by the Liberal Judaism community in the UK, printed in ‘Covenant of Love’ – Service of Commitment for Same-Sex Couples. This blessing incorporates language of the blessing on rainbows (zocher habrit), on unusual creatures (meshaneh habriot).

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי אֱלהֵֹינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, זוֺכֵר הַבְּרִית וּמְשַנֶּה הַבְּרִיּוֹת. הנה נצבים לפניך היום הרעים האהובים הללו, מוכנים ומזמנים להכנס בברית קדושה של אהבה. בא”ה מקדש את חיינו באהבה.You are blessed, Lord our God, the sovereign of the world, who remembers the covenant and diversifies creation. …

Rabbis Amitai Adler and Julie Pelc Adler: With the Brit Ahuvim [see Kiddushin & Ketuba], not only is a betrothal not required, but we wish to avoid erusin, since once betrothed, a get is necessary. But birkat erusin also forms a liturgical introduction or prologue, setting tone and context, giving us a ritual and halachic foundation for why we are all gathered together, and what is to come next. We couldn’t just excise it and leave nothing. So we created a replacement brachah. The original birkat erusin … is clearly a justification for kiddushin marriage, and for the sexual ethic that kiddushin represents. It speaks of commandments to Israel, but presumes that they are addressed to men, and the passive subjects are women. Nothing like this would do for a Brit Ahuvim brachah. Instead, we composed a brachah that justified halachic innovation and creative ritual:

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי, אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, אֲשֶׁר קִדַּשְׁנוּ בְּמִצְוֹתָיו וְצִוָּנוּ לַעֲשׂוֺת גְבוּלִין גְבוּלִין אִסוּרִין וְהֶתֱרִין, וְנַתָן לָנוּ חֻקִים וּמִשְׁפָּטִים לְהַבְחִין בֵּין הֶקְדֶשׁ וְחוּלִין, וּלְהַבְדִיל בֵּין טְמֵאִים וּטְהוֺרִים. גַלוּי וְיָדוּעַ לְךָ שֶׁאִם לֹא נְתַתָּם לָנוּ וְלֹא לִימַדְתָּנוּ אִי אֶפְשַׁר לָנוּ לְהִתְקַיֵּם וּלְהִיוֺת עָמְךָ. בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי הַנוֺתֵן תוֺרָה לְעָמוֺ וּרְשׁוּת לִפְסוֺק הָלֳכָה לְדַייַנֵי בְּנֵי בְרִיתוֺ, לַעֲשׂוֺת קְשָׁרִים טְהוֺרִים וְחַיִים קְדוֺשִים.
Blessed are You, Adonai our God, Sovereign of the Universe, who has sanctified us with mitzvot, and commanded us to set boundaries of varying kinds, and proscriptions and permissions; and has given us laws and legislations that we may discern between the sanctified and the mundane, and separate between the pure and the impure. Behold it is manifest and known before You that had You not given us these things, and had not taught us those things, it would be impossible for us to continue, or to be Your people. Blessed are You, Adonai, who gives Torah to His people, and jurisdiction to interpret the halachah to the judges among your covenant-partners, that they may make pure bonds between people, and create holy lives.

Rather than use birkat erusin as a stylistic template, we used birkat asher yatzar, which is said in the mornings and upon performing natural functions. While it may seem a little odd to base a wedding brachah on something said after going to the bathroom, it actually makes sense: asher yatzar praises God for creating us with complex physical systems that sustain our lives, and acknowledges that those systems require care and attention, for if they fail, we are lost. By the same token, this birkat gevulin u’f’sikat halachah we made praises God for giving us a complex system of Torah that sustains our spiritual life and holiness, which requires care and attention, for if it fails, we are lost. And considering that the central focus of a Brit Ahuvim wedding is not merely a halachic innovation, but is a halachic contract, functioning in a halachic system, and subject to arbitration by a halachic court, a blessing praising God for giving us jurisdiction to make halachah seemed entirely appropriate to set the tone and act as liturgical prologue to the wedding to follow.

Approach 5: Replacement blessings

Rather than attempt to revise or create a blessing to fill this location, if the objective is to mirror only the structure of the wedding by including a blessing in this location, some prefer to use a different blessing entirely without a petichah that echoes Birkat Erusin.

Y&R: Following the blessing over the wine, we recite together the Shehechiyanu blessing traditionally used at moments of newness and transition.

E&R: The mesader kidushin recites the blessing over the wine; the tov vehameitiv blessing (sort of instead of the Erusin bracha); and then we recite Shehechiyanu before drinking from the wine.

Approach 6: Omission

If the blessing no longer serves legal function, rather than replace it with something else, some, like Rabbi Tracee L. Rosen and Rabbi Rachel Adler, simply skip this element.

A note on Shehechiyanu

There is a Sefardic custom for the groom to say She’hecheyanu over a new tallit, and have in mind that the blessing also goes on the marriage, as well as his wedding clothes and his new wife (Yalkut Yosef, Rabbi Yitzchak Yosef, Sephardic Chief Rabbi of Israel). This tallit can be held over the couple by four guests to function as the chuppah, or might be worn by the groom.

Many of the same-sex ceremonies listed here utilize the bracha shehechiyanu in erusin, in sheva brachot, or as a stand-alone blessing, and an increasing number of contemporary mixed-sex weddings have begun to do so as well. The bracha shows gratitude for new experiences and our joy at being alive and present. However, there is some debate about whether that bracha is appropriate for a wedding.

Rabbi Johnny Solomon: Given the considerable debate on the issue of reciting SheHeheyanu at a wedding, few communities insist that it be recited by the bride and groom (Rabbi Yitzhak Ratzabi records that this is the custom amongst some Yemenite communities), and few communities take an absolute position that it should not be recited (Nitei Gavriel mentions that Rabbi Yosef Yitzchak Schneerson of Lubavitch instructed that SheHeheyanu not be recited at a wedding).

According to a number of halakhic authorities, SheHeheyanu should be recited at a wedding, and according to Rabbi Yaakov Emden, SheHeheyanu should be recited at both an engagement and at a wedding. The rationale for this position is that SheHeheyanu is an outlet for expressing joy and the joy of a wedding is certainly of sufficient magnitude to deserve the recitation of the SheHeheyanu blessing. Thus, Rabbi Emden rules that SheHeheyanu should be recited at a wedding by both the bride and groom since given that they are both joyous.

While citing the opinion of Rabbi Emden and agreeing with his logic, Rabbi Hayyim Yosef David Azulay—often referred to by the acronym “Hida”—states that SheHeheyanu should be recited at a wedding but “B’lo Shem U’Malkhut,” meaning in an abridged form without using the name of God. While the Hida does not explain why this blessing should be recited without including God’s name, Rabbi Elazar Horvitz suggests that this may be due to the possibility that the couple may not bring joy to each other’s lives, and consequently, the blessing may be in vain.

[A] number of authorities rule that SheHeheyanu should not be recited, or at least find a rationale for its non-recitation, for the following reasons:

  • A wedding does not have a fixed time and (according to some authorities), we do not recite a SheHeheyanu on an event that does not occur miZeman laZeman.
  • We do not recite a blessing on an act that is dependent on the will of another.
  • SheHeheyanu is not recited on a mitzvah that is long-lasting.
  • The key mitzvah of a marriage is the mitzvah of peru u’Revu (be fruitful and multiply), which means that the mitzvah of marriage is not fully completed at a wedding ceremony.

[N]either the Gemara nor Rambam mentions the practice of reciting SheHeheyanu at a wedding. For some, this omission leads to the conclusion that SheHeheyanu should not be recited (including the Rashba, who discusses the fact that the Gemara does not mention the practice of reciting SheHeheyanu at a Berit Milah), while others point out that we cannot draw any conclusions from this fact (Rambam rules that SheHeheyanu should be recited at a Berit Milah and Pidyon haBen, which led some to conclude that SheHeheyanu should also be recited at a wedding). Nonetheless, what does emerge from this debate are two schools of thought concerning the recitation of SheHeheyanu at a wedding. Some authorities insist that a wedding certainly qualifies as a time of sufficient joy to demand the recitation of the SheHeheyanu blessing, while other authorities are either of the opinion that SheHeheyanu should not be recited at a wedding, or at least they try and offer reasons why this is not the common practice.

While [Rabbi Yechiel Michael Epstein, author of the Arukh haShulhan,] recognizes that a wedding is a fitting occasion to recite the SheHeheyanu blessing, he explains that there is no truly suitable time during the marriage ceremony when this blessing should be recited, and in so doing, justifies the practice of its non-recitation. He explains that prior to eirusin, it is improper to recite the SheHeheyanu blessing as nothing significant has happened yet. However, once the Huppah occurs, the moment of greatest joy has already occurred. [Interested readers can read more of this article and find all of the relevant citations and footnotes at the link above.]

Couples who find these arguments compelling may want to introduce a new shared object over which to say shehechiyanu and have it cover the wedding, like a kiddush cup or mezuza, or new parallel items, like tallitot or kittels, and find a meaningful time to say it.

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