Sheva Brachot

Posted on by hillel

Orrin Wolpert: The remainder of the ceremony is called nisuin, nuptials. While the betrothal (kiddushin) focused on our legal union, nisuin focuses on our spiritual connection to one another and before HaShem.

The Talmud in Ketubbot 8a lists the seven blessings, now known as the sheva brachot, that would be said at the wedding and for the week following.

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי, אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, בּוֹרֵא פְּרִי הַגָּפֶן.1. You are blessed, Lord our God, the sovereign of the world, creator of the fruit of the vine.
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי, אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, שֶׁהַכֹּל בָּרָא לִכְבוֹדוֹ.2. You are blessed, Lord our God, the sovereign of the world, who created everything for His glory.
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי, אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, יוֹצֵר הָאָדָם.3. You are blessed, Lord our God, the sovereign of the world, the creator of humanity.
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, אֲשֶׁר יָצַר אֶת הָאָדָם בְּצַלְמוֹ, בְּצֶלֶם דְּמוּת תַּבְנִיתוֹ, וְהִתְקִין לוֹ מִמֶּנּוּ בִּנְיַן עֲדֵי עַד. בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי, יוֹצֵר הָאָדָם.4. You are blessed, Lord our God, the sovereign of the world, who created man in His image, in the pattern of His own likeness, and provided for the perpetuation of his kind. You are blessed, Lord, the creator of humanity.
שׂוֹשׂ תָּשִׂישׂ וְתָגֵל הָעֲקָרָה בְּקִבּוּץ בָּנֶיהָ לְתוֹכָהּ בְּשִׂמְחָה. בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי, מְשַׂמֵּחַ צִיּוֹן בְּבָנֶיהָ.5. Let the barren city be jubilantly happy and joyful at her joyous reunion with her children. You are blessed, Lord, who makes Zion rejoice with her children.
שַׂמֵּחַ תְּשַׂמַּח רֵעִים הָאֲהוּבִים כְּשַׂמֵּחֲךָ יְצִירְךָ בְּגַן עֵדֶן מִקֶּדֶם. בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי, מְשַׂמֵּחַ חָתָן וְכַלָּה.6. Let the loving couple be very happy, just as You made Your creation happy in the garden of Eden, so long ago. You are blessed, Lord, who makes the groom and bride happy.
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, אֲשֶׁר בָּרָא שָׂשׂוֹן וְשִׂמְחָה, חָתָן וְכַלָּה, גִּילָה רִנָּה דִּיצָה וְחֶדְוָה, אַהֲבָה וְאַחֲוָה וְשָׁלוֹם וְרֵעוּת. מְהֵרָה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ יִשָּׁמַע בְּעָרֵי יְהוּדָה וּבְחוּצוֹת יְרוּשָׁלַיִם קוֹל שָׂשׂוֹן וְקוֹל שִׁמְחָה, קוֹל חָתָן וְקוֹל כַּלָּה, קוֹל מִצְהֲלוֹת חֲתָנִים מֵחֻפָּתָם וּנְעָרִים מִמִּשְׁתֵּה נְגִינָתָם. בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי, מְשַׂמֵּחַ חָתָן עִם הַכַּלָּה.7. You are blessed, Lord our God, the sovereign of the world, who created joy and celebration, groom and bride, rejoicing, jubilation, pleasure and delight, love and brotherhood, peace and friendship. May there soon be heard, Lord our God, in the cities of Judea and in the streets of Jerusalem, the voice of joy and the voice of celebration, the voice of a groom and the voice of a bride, the happy shouting of bridegrooms from their weddings and of young men from their feasts of song. You are blessed, Lord, who makes the groom and the bride rejoice together.

Immediately, the “chatan vekallah” closings for blessings 6 and 7 make this sequence inappropriate for a same-sex wedding. (As mentioned in the introduction, while there are many non-gendered English-language translations and adaptations of these blessings, discussing those is beyond the scope of this document. Many of the sources included below were created with accompanying translations, and those who are interested can search for them.)

The Role of Sheva Brachot

Rabbi Tracee L. Rosen: When my life partner, Keren, and I celebrated our brit ahavah ten years ago [in 2002], we wanted to make sure that our ceremony was a recognizably Jewish one. We had a chuppah, we drank wine, we exchanged rings, we smashed a glass at the end, and we had friends and family in abundance to celebrate with us. To the casual observer, it was another Jewish wedding. But in substance, in the texts and the words that were spoken, we took care to avoid using the standard language of the traditional Jewish wedding blessings. … [I]n place of the sheva berachot — which conclude the wedding service — we had family and friends chant seven verses from haftarot readings, sections of Biblical verses from the prophetic books, which mirrored the themes of the seven blessings of the wedding service. …

I want to focus specifically on the permissibility of including the sheva berachot in a commitment ceremony, since as a result of my further study of the issue, I have changed my mind regarding the inclusion of these texts, and now believe that these berachot are not the instrument through which bride and groom become married in the traditional ceremony. Instead these are berachot recited by and for the community who are in attendance in fulfillment of the mitzvah of rejoicing with the couple. …

The strongest evidence that these berachot serve no performative function in terms of rendering the couple married is the fact that traditionally they are repeated at the festive meal following the ceremony and for the following seven days in many observant families. If these berachot had the effect of changing the couple’s status from engaged to married, then the repetition of them would constitute a bracha l’vatala, a blessing uttered in vain.

Additionally, the recitation of sheva berachot requires the presence of a minyan, and if they are recited on the days after the ceremony, require the presence of panim chadashot, new faces, that is people who were not present at either the ceremony or recitation of these berachot on one of the previous evenings. This is direct evidence that the beneficiary of the blessings is not the couple, but the members of the community who are being enabled to fulfill the mitzvah rejoicing with the couple.

Further evidence that the sheva berachot are not what constitute the performance of the marriage comes from a baraita in Ketubot 7b which states: “The Rabbis taught: We recite sheva berachot in the house of the grooms. Rabbi Yehudah says: We recite it even in the house of eirusin.” This, of course, refers to a time when eirusin and kiddushin took place at separate times. If the sheva berachot were the language through which a couple became married, then Rabbi Yehudah’s statement would make no sense, for then it would no longer be merely eirusin. Only if sheva berachot are viewed as words expressing the joy of the assembled community, does Rabbi Yehudah’s minority opinion make logical sense.

So what does this mean in terms of incorporating sheva berachot into a brit ahavah, same-sex commitment ceremony? I believe that it is consistent with the direction provided by the Dorff, Nevins, and Reisner teshuvah. Recitation of these blessings is not an act that renders the couple married in the eyes of halachah. Instead it is a communal response to the joy experienced when a permanent new Jewish family unit is created in one’s midst. As the teshuvah stated, “The celebration of such a union is appropriate.” The recitation of sheva berachot is the Jewish way to give voice to such a celebration.

Finally, many colleagues will ask: If the inclusion of sheva berachot is appropriate for commitment ceremonies, is it appropriate to change the chatimot, concluding words of the last two berachot from “m’sameyach chatan v’chalah (im ha-chalah)” to “m’sameyach chatan v’chatan” or “m’sameyach chalah v’chalah”? I would argue that it would depend on the individual rabbi’s perspective on the permissibility of changing the chatimot of blessings. If one holds, for example, that it is permissible to recite “mageyn Avraham ufokeyd Sarah” in the amidah, then changing the language of the sheva berachot should present no problem.

On the other hand, a colleague who believes that berachot should be recited as dictated by the Talmud could legitimately recite these berachot in their original formulation, as the essence of these berachot are praising God as the one who rejoices in the establishment of new families in the abstract, not specifically referring to the specific couple standing under the chuppah. That is, the community views itself as being God’s shlichim, agents in creating joy and happiness for all chatanim and kallot, and I would argue, regardless of the specific configuration present at the moment.

For more on the ability to alter blessings, see Textual integrity and the permissibility of changing brachot

Adaptive approaches

Approach 1: Minimal adaptation

Orrin Wolpert: The Sheva Brachot or Seven blessings are a communal expression of gratitude for all that is wonderful in the world from the simple gift of wine to the capacity to love. The themes for the blessings are summarized as follows (Rabbi Nancy Wiener. Beyond Breaking the Glass [New York: CCAR Press, 2001], p.53):

  1. The human capacity to express joy, embodied in the symbol of wine
  2. The wonder of creation
  3. The creative power of humanity
  4. The extraordinary nature of being human, imbued with a capacity to strive toward the divine
  5. The healing and restorative capacity of meaningful relationships
  6. The joy we experience when celebrating the loving commitment of two people for each other
  7. The joy that those two people find in one another.

The first five blessings require no adaptation to apply to same‐sex couples. The sixth and seventh blessings refer specifically to brides and grooms.

Ben & David: As with every ritual today, we are faced with the question of what to keep the same and what to change. Neither antiquity nor ubiquity necessarily makes these blessings, or their particular form, right for us. At a minimum, we knew that we would want to tweak some of the blessings. In their traditional form, the blessings refer to the couple being married as a bride and a groom. We are, of course, not that. Some of our friends and predecessors in the ever-growing stream of LGBTQ-Jewish-traditional weddings, as well as others inclined towards feminism and egalitarianism, have seen the traditional narrative as unappealing and have creatively reworked those blessings. We opted instead, as have other friends, to hew to the traditional text—understanding the words and the narrative capaciously—and tweaking the words to reflect the fact that marriage is not exclusively the union of bride and groom and that, in particular, we are two men.

A basic revision could look like this:

שַׂמֵּחַ תְּשַׂמַּח רֵעִים הָאֲהוּבִים / רֵעוֹת הָאֲהוּבוֹת כְּשַׂמֵּחֲךָ יְצִירְךָ בְּגַן עֵדֶן מִקֶּדֶם. בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי, מְשַׂמֵּחַ חָתָן וְחָתָן / כַּלָּה וְכַלָּה / רֵעִים אֲהוּבִים / רֵעוֹת אֲהוּבוֹת.6. Let the loving couple be very happy, just as You made Your creation happy in the garden of Eden, so long ago. You are blessed, Lord, who makes the groom and groom / bride and bride / loving companions happy.
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, אֲשֶׁר בָּרָא שָׂשׂוֹן וְשִׂמְחָה, חָתָן וְחָתָן / כַּלָּה וְכַלָּה, גִּילָה רִנָּה דִּיצָה וְחֶדְוָה, אַהֲבָה וְאַחֲוָה וְשָׁלוֹם וְרֵעוּת. מְהֵרָה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ יִשָּׁמַע בְּעָרֵי יְהוּדָה וּבְחוּצוֹת יְרוּשָׁלַיִם קוֹל שָׂשׂוֹן וְקוֹל שִׁמְחָה, קוֹל חָתָן וְקוֹל כַּלָּה, קוֹל מִצְהֲלוֹת חֲתָנִים מֵחֻפָּתָם וּנְעָרִים מִמִּשְׁתֵּה נְגִינָתָם. בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי, מְשַׂמֵּחַ חָתָן עִם הַחָתָן / כַּלָּה עִם הַכַלָּה / רֵעַ עִם אֲהוּבוֹ.7. You are blessed, Lord our God, the sovereign of the world, who created joy and celebration, groom and groom / bride and bride, rejoicing, jubilation, pleasure and delight, love and brotherhood, peace and friendship. May there soon be heard, Lord our God, in the cities of Judea and in the streets of Jerusalem, the voice of joy and the voice of celebration, the voice of a groom and the voice of a bride, the happy shouting of bridegrooms from their weddings and of young men from their feasts of song. You are blessed, Lord, who makes the groom and groom / bride and bride rejoice together.

Note that the middle of the last blessing remains the same; קוֹל שָׂשׂוֹן וְקוֹל שִׂמְחָה קוֹל חָתָן וְקוֹל כַּלָּה is a direct quote from Jeremiah 33:11, and refers to the joy in all weddings. So even though it is clearly referring to a mixed-sex marriage, the language is kept out of deference to the biblical source.

Jeremy & Michael: Our reasoning for the Sheva Brachot was pretty similar to Rabbi Tracee Rosen in that we interpreted “kol chatan v’kol kalah” as the universal bride and groom, not as the indicated couple under the chuppah. So we essentially are still celebrating every couple including gay ones. We had a couple other decisions that included the difference between “chatan v’chatan” and “chatanim” and analyzing the directionality of the original brachot; and the decision to extend the singing for “kol chatan” to include “kol mitzhalot chatanim mechupatam, u’nearim mimishtei neginatam” as a cute (though admittedly not true in intention) allusion to gay couples.

Rabbi Aaron Alexander: I see this ceremony as one that could be adapted by a rabbi performing a wedding for a transgender Jew/s. For a wedding performed for couples in the diverse transgender community, this last option, re’im ahuvim, may be best.

There are many other replacements proposed for “chatan” and “kallah,” some of which appear later in this section, and others (רעיה ורעיתה) are too numerous to comprehensively list.

A variant proposed by Rabbi Jeremy Kalmanofsky and Rabbi Gordon Tucker instead simply excises the words “chatan” and “kallah” in the opening of the blessing (which makes it egalitarian without altering a Biblical verse), and replaces them in the bracha itself with “reim ahuvim.”

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, אֲשֶׁר בָּרָא שָׂשׂוֹן וְשִׂמְחָה, גִּילָה רִנָּה דִּיצָה וְחֶדְוָה, אַהֲבָה וְאַחֲוָה וְשָׁלוֹם וְרֵעוּת. מְהֵרָה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ יִשָּׁמַע בְּעָרֵי יְהוּדָה וּבְחוּצוֹת יְרוּשָׁלַיִם קוֹל שָׂשׂוֹן וְקוֹל שִׁמְחָה, קוֹל מִצְהֲלוֹת חֲתָנִים מֵחֻפָּתָם וּנְעָרִים מִמִּשְׁתֵּה נְגִינָתָם. בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי, מְשַׂמֵּחַ רָעִים הָאֲהוּבִים / הָרֵעוֹת אֲהוּבוֹת יַחְדָּיו.7. You are blessed, Lord our God, the sovereign of the world, who created joy and celebration, rejoicing, jubilation, pleasure and delight, love and brotherhood, peace and friendship. May there soon be heard, Lord our God, in the cities of Judea and in the streets of Jerusalem, the voice of joy and the voice of celebration, the happy shouting of bridegrooms from their weddings and of young men from their feasts of song. You are blessed, Lord, who makes loving companions rejoice together.

This variant solves the gender problem but may be undesirable for a different reason, in that it breaks a popular melody for this blessing. That melody not only depends on those words for length, but works best when “kallah” rhymes with “simcha.” Replacing “kallah” with “chatan” also creates this issue. To preserve the use of this melody, some proposals specifically try to use words that feature a rhyme for “kallah.” One is featured below, and the first proposal in Approach 2 includes a variant (“osher uv’rachah”) that meets this criterion as well.

Orrin Wolpert: We modify the traditional blessings to better describe us. We have also worked to retain the rhyme and rhythm of these blessing. For us, the joy expressed as a community sings these blessings is as important as the meaning of the blessings themselves.

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, אֲשֶׁר בָּרָא שָׂשׂוֹן וְשִׂמְחָה, אֲהוּב וְרֵעַ, גִּילָה רִנָּה דִּיצָה וְחֶדְוָה, אַהֲבָה וְאַחֲוָה וְשָׁלוֹם וְרֵעוּת. מְהֵרָה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ יִשָּׁמַע בְּעָרֵי יְהוּדָה וּבְחוּצוֹת יְרוּשָׁלַיִם קוֹל שָׂשׂוֹן וְקוֹל שִׁמְחָה, קוֹל אֲהוּב וְקוֹל רֵעַ, קוֹל מִצְהֲלוֹת חֲתָנִים מֵחֻפָּתָם וּנְעָרִים מִמִּשְׁתֵּה נְגִינָתָם. בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי, מְשַׂמֵּחַ חֲתָנִים מֵחֻפָּתָם.7. You are blessed, Lord our God, the sovereign of the world, who created joy and celebration, lover and friend, rejoicing, jubilation, pleasure and delight, love and brotherhood, peace and friendship. May there soon be heard, Lord our God, in the cities of Judea and in the streets of Jerusalem, the voice of joy and the voice of celebration, the voice of a lover and the voice of a friend, the happy shouting of bridegrooms from their weddings and of young men from their feasts of song. You are blessed, Lord, who makes grooms to rejoice beneath their chuppah.

The ahuv/re’a construction was proposed by Hazzan Joanna Selznick Dulkin, in her paper, “Brit Rayut.”

Rabbi Eliot Kukla: Most of the words of these blessing can be used with queer, transgender and gender non-conforming families with very small adjustments and/or explanations. The only language that I have changed is using “ahuv v’yedid” (gender neutral terms for “lover and beloved”) in the place of the words “chatan v’kalah” (bride and groom). In the seventh blessing I have also changed the word “narim” (servant boys) to “chevarim” (friends/community) to reflect a queer sense of chosen family.

שַׂמֵּחַ תְּשַׂמַּח חֲבֵרִים הָאֲהוּבִים / חֲבֵרוֹת הָאֲהוּבוֹת כְּשַׂמֵּחֲךָ יְצִירְךָ בְּגַן עֵדֶן מִקֶּדֶם. בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי, מְשַׂמֵּחַ חֲבֵרִים הָאֲהוּבִים.6. Give delight, delight to these loving friends, as you delighted Your creations in Paradise of old. Blessed are You, Eternal, who delights these loving friends.
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, אֲשֶׁר בָּרָא שָׂשׂוֹן וְשִׂמְחָה, אֲהוּב וְיְדִיד, גִּילָה רִנָּה דִּיצָה וְחֶדְוָה, אַהֲבָה וְאַחֲוָה וְשָׁלוֹם וְרֵעוּת. מְהֵרָה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ יִשָּׁמַע בְּעָרֵי יְהוּדָה וּבְחוּצוֹת יְרוּשָׁלַיִם קוֹל שָׂשׂוֹן וְקוֹל שִׁמְחָה, קוֹל אֲהוּב וְקוֹל וְיְדִיד, קוֹל מִצְהֲלוֹת אֲהוּבִים מֵחֻפָּתָם וּחֲבֵרִים מִמִּשְׁתֵּה נְגִינָתָם. בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי, מְשַׂמֵּחַ אֲהוּב וְיְדִיד.7. Blessed are You, Eternal, our God and Ruler of the World, Who created delight and gladness, lover and beloved, glad song, pleasure, merriment, laughter, love and companionship, friendship and wholeness. Quickly, Eternal, our God, let us hear in the cities of Judah and Jerusalem’s streets, voices of gladness, voices of joy, the voice of the lover and the voice of the beloved, voices of jubilant lovers at wedding feasts, and friends at their banquets of song. Blessed are You, Eternal, who delights the lover and the beloved.

The rest of the language I have not changed, but I sometimes feel a need to interpret some of these texts so that they make sense in a queer context. The focus on Zion and Israel in the fifth blessing may feel overly particularistic to queer, transgender and gender nonconforming individuals who are used to experiences of exclusion. I usually explain that the word Israel can be understood as a non-national or ethnic concept in classical texts. The translation of “Israel” is “God-wrestler” and I often suggest that we understand the word literally as all people who are struggling to live a more whole life in relationship to the Divine.

The Garden of Eden and Adam and Chava, the first human beings, are mentioned in the third and fourth blessings. To some LGBTIQQ people this reference may feel inherently heterosexual, however it may be helpful to explain that according to the Midrash (Bereshit Rabbah) the first human being created in the image of God was an androgynos, an intersex person. Hence the primordial joy of the first human being connecting to another person is relevant for lovers of all genders.

The “ahuv v’yedid” language was earlier used by Rabbi Sue Levi Elwell and Nurit Levi Shein in 1998.

Approach 2: Limited adaptation

CJLS: The seven traditional blessings express our gratitude to God for the creation of these individuals and our prayers that their relationship be blessed with happiness and peace. We have adapted the language of these texts to accommodate the gender of the parties, (The blessing יוצר האדם “creator of humanity” is a gender-neutral expression despite the traditional translation of אדם as “man.” Genesis 1:27 says, וַיִּבְרָא אֱלֹהִים אֶת הָאָדָם בְּצַלְמוֹ בְּצֶלֶם אֱלֹהִים בָּרָא אֹתוֹ זָכָר וּנְקֵבָה בָּרָא אֹתָם .) but we have avoided creating new blessing formulas, relying instead on established blessings such as “ha-tov v’ha-meitiv” (We use this blessing, first found in M. Brakhot 9:2, twice. The first time celebrates the formal engagement, while the second celebrates the completion of their marriage.) and “she-heheyanu” for the paragraph closings.

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, אֲשֶׁר יָצַר אֶת הָאָדָם בְּצַלְמוֹ, בְּצֶלֶם דְּמוּת תַּבְנִיתוֹ, וְאָמַּר לֹא טוֹב הֱיוֹת הָאָדָם לְבַדּוֹ, אֶעֱשֶׂה לּוֹ עֵזֶר, כְּנֶגְדּוֹ. בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי, יוֹצֵר הָאָדָם.4. You are blessed, Lord our God, the sovereign of the world, who created humanity in the divine image, who structured us in the image of God, and said, “It is not good for a person to live alone, I will make a fitting helper for each one.” Praised are You, Adonai, Creator of humanity.
שׂוֹשׂ תָּשִׂישׂ וְתָגֵל הָעֲקָרָה בְּקִבּוּץ בָּנֶיהָ לְתוֹכָהּ בְּשִׂמְחָה. בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי, מְשַׂמֵּחַ צִיּוֹן בְּבָנֶיהָ.5. Let the barren city be jubilantly happy and joyful at her joyous reunion with her children. You are blessed, Lord, who makes Zion rejoice with her children.
שַׂמֵּחַ תְּשַׂמַּח רֵעִים הָאֲהוּבִים / רֵעוֹת אֲהוּבוֹת כְּשַׂמֵּחֲךָ יְצִירְךָ בְּגַן עֵדֶן מִקֶּדֶם. בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי, הַטּוֹב וְהַמֵּיטִיב.6. Let the loving couple be very happy, just as You made Your creation happy in the garden of Eden, so long ago. You are blessed, Lord, who is good and does good.
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, אֲשֶׁר בָּרָא שָׂשׂוֹן וְשִׂמְחָה, אוֹשֶׁר וּבְרָכָה / חָתָן וְחָתָן / כַּלָּה וְכַלָּה, גִּילָה רִנָּה דִּיצָה וְחֶדְוָה, אַהֲבָה וְאַחֲוָה וְשָׁלוֹם וְרֵעוּת. מְהֵרָה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ יִשָּׁמַע בְּעָרֵי יְהוּדָה וּבְחוּצוֹת יְרוּשָׁלַיִם קוֹל שָׂשׂוֹן וְקוֹל שִׁמְחָה, קוֹל גִּילָה וְקוֹל רִנָּה, קוֹל אֹמְרִּים הוֹדוּ לַיי כִּי טוֹב, כִּי לְעוֹלָם חַסְדּוֹ. בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יְיָ אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם שֶׁהֶחֱיָנוּ וְקִיְּמָנוּ וְהִגִּיעָנוּ לַזְּמַן הַזֶּה.7. You are blessed, Lord our God, the sovereign of the world, who created joy and celebration, happiness and blessing / groom and bride / bride and bride, rejoicing, jubilation, pleasure and delight, love and brotherhood, peace and friendship. May there soon be heard, Lord our God, in the cities of Judea and in the streets of Jerusalem, the voice of joy and the voice of celebration, the voice of pleasure and the voice of song, the voice of those who proclaim “Give thanks to Adonai, for God is good, God’s faithfulness is eternal.” You are blessed, Lord, who has kept us alive and sustained us and brought us to this joyous time.

The underlined quote in #4 is from Gen. 2:18. The underline in #7 is from Psalms 118:1. #5 is unchanged.

Daniel & Ben: The fourth blessing, which describes how human beings are created in the image of God, was slightly changed to avoid using a metaphor for procreation. Instead, it contains additional language from the Genesis story: “It is not good for a person to be alone.” We wanted to use this text because it has been used to promote LGBTQ equality and acceptance in Jewish communities. In the sixth and seventh blessings the words ahuv (lover) and rei’ah (companion) will appear. The phrase rei’im ha’ahuvim (the loving companions) come from the sheva brachot themselves and using native language as much as possible is important to us. We lovingly asked our wedding guests to sing the words ahuv v’rei’ah instead of chattan v’chattan while singing at their wedding.

Rabbi Aaron Alexander: I appreciate the [CJLS proposal’s] authors’ fidelity to closely representing the traditional Sheva Berakhot structure, while also taking into account that our legal tradition has always been hesitant to permit new blessing formulas, or even change old ones. (For a full explanation of these laws, see “Commemorating the Shoah” by Rabbi Ben Zion Bergman, Responsa 1980-1990 of the Committee on Jewish Law and Standards of the Conservative Movement, pp. 3-10.) At the same time, I feel it is important to recognize that the authors are, in fact, already making changes to the traditional structure and formulas, not only substituting one recognized blessing for another. Our tradition has numerous iterations of what a blessing looks like. The Sheva Berakhot, a unit found in its entirety in the Babylonian Talmud, is a mixture of short blessings, long blessings, and consecutively occurring blessings, paragraphs which close, but do not open, with “Blessed…” (berakhah ha-semukhah l’havertah). (See Elbogen, Ismar. Jewish Liturgy: A Comprehensive History, pp. 5-6.) Therefore, a change, even if not in the closing words, the hatimah, is still one that is meshaneh mi’matbeah hakhamim, a change from the order the talmudic sages set out. And, while I agree that changing, adding, or writing new berakhot must generally be done with great hesitance, in this case I believe the authors are in fact justified in their changes. However, I suggest changes that are more harmonious with the original formulation of the Sheva Berakhot. There is a thematic and religious coherence to the Sheva Berakhot as found in the Talmud, one that I think powerfully celebrates any marriage consecration between two consenting Jews. Changing that ancient set of seven blessings is appropriate, in our opinion, only to address specific gender references. To that end, if a rabbi and couple prefer to remain as close as possible to the original formulation of the Sheva Berakhot, this would also be permissible, and maybe even preferable. [The included suggestion reflects the “minimal adaptation” approach above.]

Eyal Levinson: The fifth blessing relates to the childless woman, Tzion, who celebrates when she gathers her children into herself. This text can express the gathering of the gays and lesbians, sons and daughters of Tzion, long rejected by our communities, back into her midst. To avoid any misunderstanding, I suggest to replace (in the Hebrew sentence) the word akarah, barren, with Tzion, and to add bnoteiha, her daughters, to make it egalitarian.

שׂוֹשׂ תָּשִׂישׂ וְתָגֵל צִיּוֹן בְּקִבּוּץ בָּנֶיהָ לְתוֹכָהּ בְּשִׂמְחָה. בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי, מְשַׂמֵּחַ צִיּוֹן בְּבָנֶיהָ וּבְנוֹתֶיהָ .5. Filled with joy and happiness will be Tzion gathering back into her with gladness her children. Blessed are You, Divine source of happiness, who make Tzion rejoice with her children

In the last blessing we need to replace “Chatan ve’kalah, bride and groom,” with ahuv ve’ahuvo and ahuvim, “lovers,” at the end of the blessing. The middle part ‘kol chatan ve’kol kalah’ I suggest to drop. Women should change chatan ve’kalah to ahuva ve’ahuvatah and ahuvot at the end, and also change kol chatanim with kol kalot or kol ahuvot.

Approach 2.5: Inventive adaptation

Rabbi Ayelet Cohen and Rabbi Marc Margolius: Adapted from a blessing by Tamara Ruth Cohen, Gwynn Kessler, and Ayelet Sonya Cohen. [Blessings 1-4 in this proposal are unchanged, and 6 has the same changes as Approach 1 above.]

שׂוֹשׂ תָּשִׂישׂ וְתָגֵל צִיּוֹן עֲקִירַת שִׂנְאַת חִינָּם מִתּוֹכָהּ בְּשִׂמְחָה. בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי מְשַׂמֵּחַ צִיּוֹן בְּאַהֲבַת שָׁלוֹם.5. May Zion rejoice in the uprooting of senseless hatred from its midst. Blessed are You, God, who causes Zion to rejoice through love of peace.
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם אֲשֶׁר בָּרָא שָׂשׂוֹן וְשִׂמְחָה, חָתָן וְחָתָן / כַּלָּה וְכַלָּה / רֵעִים אֲהוּבִים, גִּילָה רִנָּה, דִּיצָה וְחֶדְוָה, אָהֲבָה וְאַחֲוָה, וְשָׁלוֹם וְרֵעוּת. מְהֵרָה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ יִשְׁמַע בְּעָרֵי יְהוּדָה וּבְחוּצוֹת יְרוּשָׁלַיִם, קוֹל שָׂשׂוֹן, וְקוֹל שִׂמְחָה, קוֹל חָתָן וְקוֹל כַּלָּה / קוֹל כַּלָּה וְקוֹל כַּלָּה / קוֹל חָתָן וְקוֹל חָתָן, קוֹל מִצְהֲלוֹת אֲהוּבִים מְחֻפָּתַם, וַאֲהוּבוֹת מִמִּשְׁתֶּה נְגִינָתָן. בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי מְשַׂמֵּחַ הָאֲהוּבִים / כַּלָּה עִם הַכַּלָּה / חָתָן עִם הֶחָתָן.7. Blessed are You, Source of Life, who creates joy and happiness, loving companions, gladness, singing, joy, and delight, love and intimacy, peace and friendship. May we soon hear throughout Jerusalem voices of joy and happiness, sounds of gaiety and love in all its variety, the jubilant voices of lovers from within their chambers, the sounds of loving partners feasting and singing. Blessed are you, God, who rejoices with lovers.

Rabbi Stuart Kelman: In a (remarkably relevant to this setting) article by Jeffrey Rubenstein (Judaism, v.45#4, fall, 1996) called “The Symbolism of the Sukkah”, he writes first of the imaginary side and says that: According to the dominant rabbinic tradition, seven ‘sukkot of clouds of glory’ surrounded the Israelites throughout their desert travels following the exodus. The sukkah-clouds shielded them from the blazing sun above, protected them from the hot sand below, and guarded them from dangers such as thorns, scorpions, and even the weapons of their enemies. Six clouds covered the six sides of the Israelite camp while the seventh, the pillar of cloud of God’s presence (shechinah) stood in the middle. The festival sukkot in which we dwell each year symbolize these clouds and hence the protection, love, and presence of God. This sense of the divine is not only communicated through the symbolism of the sukkah but is experienced in the shade that the roofing of the sukkah casts. Shade offers protection from the sun and became the dominant metaphor for protection and peace in the Jewish tradition. In the shade of the sukkah, one experiences the ‘shade of God’ and the same sense of divine protection, love and nurture which the Israelites felt while sojourning within the clouds of glory.

There is, however, a second strand in rabbinic tradition which believes that the Israelites dwelled in ‘real sukkot’ throughout their desert ravels, and not in the ‘sukkot of clouds of glory’. The ordinary, flimsy sukkot the Israelites inhabited were part of the hardships of the exodus and their difficult life in the desert …. This second dimension of the symbolism of the sukkot conceives it as a symbol of the transience, temporariness and insecurity if this world.

To be sure, this symbolism is in some tension with the symbolism of the clouds of glory. But that is part of the power and complexity of religious symbols, which are multivalent and polysemous, operating on several levels and expressing different meanings simultaneously. Indeed the complex, sometimes contradictory, nature of the human condition and experience of the divine. So, what lessons do we learn from the sukkot? May God stand in the center of your lives—and cast love to you in all you do. May God nurture the works of your hands and your relationship—helping keep it as alive and fresh as it is this day. May the symbol of the sukkah remind you also of the difficulties you face—the hardships of life in general, and as partners. All wasn’t and will not be completely smooth. But remember, the fact that God still stands in the middle, in the center, is Judaism’s way of offering hope. May God guard, bless and protect you in all your life’s journey—separately—and together as life partners. When you put all these blessings together, the sukkah, the flimsiest but one of the most enduring institutions in Judaism, will and can survive all the elements. We hope and pray that your union will as well.

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, אֲשֶׁר בָּרָא שָׂשׂוֹן וְשִׂמְחָה, גִּילָה רִנָּה דִּיצָה וְחֶדְוָה, אַהֲבָה וְאַחֲוָה וְשָׁלוֹם וְרֵעוּת. בַּרְכֵנוּ עם חַיִּים שֶׁל חֶסֶד וֶאֱמֶת וֶאֱמוּנָה. בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי הַפּוֹרֵשׂ סֻכַּת שָׁלוֹם עָלֵינוּ וְעַל כָּל עַמּו יִשְׂרָאֵל וְעַל כָּל יוֹשְׁבֵי תֵבֵל.7. You are blessed, Lord our God, the sovereign of the world, who created joy and gladness, happiness, love and harmony and companionship. Grant us a life of loving-kindness, truth and faithfulness, peace, serenity and security. We praise You, Adonai, who spreads your Sukkah of peace over us, over the people of Israel and over all of humanity.

Critiques of the Sheva Brachot

In an essay titled “Contemplating a Jewish Ritual of Same-Sex Union,” Rabbi Steve Greenberg writes at length about the meaning behind the sheva brachot, and why that meaning is incompatible with a same-sex wedding. It felt appropriate to print that entire passage here.

The first blessing over wine is the way the tradition inaugurates joyous celebrations. The second and third blessings introduce the theme of creation. The second blessing is surprisingly apt for a same-sex wedding. It affirms that everything, perhaps even same-sex love, was created for the glory of God. The third blessing honors the creation of the human being. This blessing surely could be contextualized to apply well enough to gay weddings. However, we will soon see that the themes of creation are particularly relevant to straight weddings.

The next four blessings open up increasingly larger circles of relationship, carrying the love of two into ever more expansive frames of reference. Blessing four is about planting within the human body the power to reproduce. One of the obvious ways that marriage expands the love of two is through family. The duty to reproduce is the first commandment of the Torah. It is considered an affirmation of God’s creation to participate in the refurbishment of humanity.

Blessing five is both about children and about the redemptive renewal of Zion in the end of days, when our mother Sarah, the once barren one, will rejoice in the return of her children to the land of Israel. Especially for Jews, family is the foundation of the covenantal promise. God takes Abraham outside and says, “Look up to the heavens, and count the stars if you can … so shall be your children” (Gen. 15:5). The Jewish people is a chain of generations all bearing an ancient covenant with God begun with Abraham and Sarah. Jesus made disciples to carry his message; Abraham and Sarah made a baby.

Marriage extends the love of two outward, beyond the family to the community. The stability of community is aided by the fact that the disruptive power of sexual self-interest has been largely neutralized by marriage. Communities of singles are much more unstable, much more transient, and less prone to sinking roots in a particular place or building lasting institutions. Although this is surely a generalization to which there are exceptions, monogamous marriage is how sexuality can be given its due so that other socially constructive efforts can proceed more smoothly.

The focus of romantic love is narrow. In its most frantic tropes, romantic passion utterly abandons the world. Nisuin articulates the love of two not only as a turning inward, but also as a reaching outward toward others. It is a pious custom for brides and grooms to walk down the aisle toward the huppah reciting psalms and praying for the needs of others. The turning away from the self at this moment is deemed so powerful that heaven cannot help but answer these prayers.

The last two blessings draw an even wider circle beyond the Jewish people to include the world. Blessing six refers to the bride and groom as loving friends. It is a beautiful expression that suggests an emotional bond quite distinct from the patriarchal role divisions of the ketubah. The blessing continues and reminds us that every groom and bride are Adam and Eve in Eden. They reframe every straight wedding as a return to Paradise. Were the world to end and leave only the bride and groom, humanity could begin again. The wedding ritual marks every straight wedding as a reenactment of the beginnings of humanity. Mystically, to witness a wedding is to see a glimpse of Eden, the very beginning when human loneliness was healed in the union of Adam and Eve.

Blessing seven is based on the prophecy of Jeremiah following the destruction of Judea in 586 BCE. Amid the ruins of the destroyed capital city, he promises that a day will come when there will again be singing and dancing in the streets of Jerusalem. He tells of wedding revelry and the sounds of children playing in the street. In Jeremiah’s mythic frame, every straight wedding becomes a promise of a rebuilt Jerusalem, of a perfected world, more real and more attainable because it speaks not only of the lives present, but also of the generations to come that will be born out of this very moment. At every heterosexual wedding we are witnesses to the beginning and the end of time; we are carried back to Eden and forward to a Jerusalem rebuilt in joy and gladness, pleasure and delight, love and harmony, peace and companionship.

As beautiful and moving as these marital narratives are, they cannot be appropriated for a gay wedding because they do not constitute a gay story. The first few blessings might be salvaged, though by themselves they do not tell us what a gay wedding is, and the last four blessings do not seem right at all for same-sex weddings. Though gay couples are able to raise families, gay unions do not revisit Adam and Eve and the birth of life itself, nor do they promise the physical continuity toward the redeemed Jerusalem that Jeremiah envisioned. The linking of the generations past and future to a same-sex couple underneath the canopy is, at best, much less obvious. We must find more apt images and metaphors for gay love and commitment, not only for the love of truth, but for the realness and power of the moment that we are celebrating. The poignancy of the moment for straight couples works because the metaphors are experientially genuine, mythically alive, and emotionally compelling. To employ them when they are not cheapens what is actually true and wondrous about same-sex marriage.

In straight marriage, God is linking the generations, connecting us all to our ancestors and to our future progeny, to Eden and Jerusalem. What is God up to in gay marriage that could be honored and celebrated? In fact, the question may be asked even more boldly: What are homosexuals here for? What larger purpose do we suppose God may have in mind for gay people? Is there an inherited sacred narrative that may frame gay love as part of God’s great plan?

Replacement approaches

Approach 3: Analogous replacement

Y&R: As Anita Diamant, the contemporary Jewish wedding guru, says, “…it just doesn’t feel like a Jewish wedding without the sheva brachot.” We could not, therefore, conclude the ceremony without drawing on the framework of the sheva brachot. Some of the brachot that we drew upon are from the traditional corpus of sheva brachot while others encompass themes that move us and express the multiple hopes and emotions of this occasion. The incorporation of these traditions, together with the inclusion of other prayers, seeks to make this new ceremony into a ritual possessing kedusha, holiness. The three primary themes include:

  1. Thanks to God: For the goodness of creation, for creating happiness and joy in the world, and for filling our world with beautiful creations;
  2. Our appreciation of who we are: Expressed through the bracha “who has created humanity in Your own image”;
  3. Our desire for peace: Seeking God’s protection and peace for us during our journey together through life, for Israel, for the Jewish people, and for all humanity.

The brachot are read by us and by our friends and family in English and Hebrew. They are:

  1. HaGafen (Wine)
  2. Tov u’Metiv (On hearing good news)
  3. SheHakol Barah L’Khvodo (For all of creation)
  4. Yotzer Ha’Adam (For the creation of humanity)
  5. M’sameach Tzion (For Jerusalem and Zion)
  6. Tefilat HaDerech (For journeys and travel) – Our sixth bracha is the Traveler’s Prayer, traditionally recited before setting out on major and minor journeys. Its inclusion here is our way of acknowledging that our journeys through life may not always be smooth. Those who have traveled with Y might know that he says it on every flight upon takeoff regardless of whether he’s coming, going, or connecting.
  7. Hashkivenu (For protection and peace) – Birkat Haskiveinu is R’s favorite bracha. It is an ancient prayer for divine protection which we recite in this form on Shabbat and holiday evenings. The image of a canopy (sukkah) of peace is a beautiful metaphor for our physical dwellings and an aspiration for broader peace.
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי, אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, בּוֹרֵא פְּרִי הַגָּפֶן.1. Blessed are You, Adonai our God, Sovereign of the Universe, who creates the fruit of the vine.
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי, אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, הַטּוֹב וְהַמֵּיטִיב.2. Blessed are You, Adonai our God, Sovereign of the Universe, who is good and makes good.
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי, אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, שֶׁהַכֹּל בָּרָא לִכְבוֹדוֹ.3. Blessed are You, Adonai our God, Sovereign of the Universe who fashioned all to do him honor.
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי, אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, יוֹצֵר הָאָדָם.4. Blessed are You, Adonai our God, Sovereign of the Universe, who has fashioned mankind.
שׂוֹשׂ תָּשִׂישׂ וְתָגֵל הָעֲקָרָה בְּקִבּוּץ בָּנֶיהָ לְתוֹכָהּ בְּשִׂמְחָה. בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי, מְשַׂמֵּחַ צִיּוֹן בְּבָנֶיהָ.5. Rejoice and be glad, and the barren one shall be merry at the ingathering of her sons in happiness. Blessed are You, Adonai for whom Zion rejoices in her sons.
יְהִי רָצוֹן מִלְּפָנֶיךָ יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ שֶתּוֹלִיכֵנוּ לְשָׁלוֹם וְתַצְעִידֵנוּ לְשָׁלוֹם וְתִסְמְכֵנוּ לְשָׁלוֹם, ותצילנו מכף כל אויב ואורב בדרך, וְתִשְׁלַח בְּרָכָה במעשי ידינו, וְתִתְּנֵנוּ לְחֵן וּלְחֶסֶד וּלְרַחֲמִים בְעֵינֶיךָ וּבְעֵינֵי כָל רוֹאֵינוּ, בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי, שׁוֹמֵעַ תְּפִלָּה.6. May it be Your will, Lord our God, to lead us for peace, to direct our steps for peace, to support us for peace and to save us from any enemy, ambush and danger on our way, and to send a blessing on the work of our hands and grant us favor, lovingkindness and mercy in Your eyes and in the eyes of all who see us. Blessed are You, Adonai, who hears prayer.
הַשְׁכִּיבֵנוּ יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ לְשָׁלוֹם, וְהַעֲמִידֵנוּ מַלְכֵּנוּ לְחַיִּים, וּפְרֹשׂ עָלֵינוּ סֻכַּת שְׁלוֹמֶךָ, וְתַקְּנֵנוּ בְּעֵצָה טוֹבָה מִלְּפָנֶיךָ, וְהוֹשִׁיעֵנוּ לְמַעַן שְׁמֶךָ. וְהָגֵן בַּעֲדֵנוּ, וְהָסֵר מֵעָלֵינוּ אוֹיֵב דֶּבֶר וְחֶרֶב וְרָעָב וְיָגוֹן, וְהָסֵר שָׂטָן מִלְּפָנֵינוּ וּמֵאַחֲרֵינוּ. וּבְצֵל כְּנָפֶיךָ תַּסְתִּירֵנוּ, כִּי אֵל שׁוֹמְרֵנוּ וּמַצִּילֵנוּ אָתָּה, כִּי אֵל מֶלֶךְ חַנּוּן וְרַחוּם אָתָּה. וּשְׁמֹר צֵאתֵנוּ וּבוֹאֵנוּ לְחַיִּים וּלְשָׁלוֹם מֵעַתָּה וְעַד עוֹלָם. וּפְרֹשׂ עָלֵינוּ סֻכַּת שְׁלוֹמֶךָ. בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי הַפּוֹרֵשׂ סֻכַּת שָׁלוֹם עָלֵינוּ וְעַל כָּל עַמּוֹ יִשְׂרָאֵל וְעַל יְרוּשָׁלָיִם.7. Help us, our God, to lie down in peace, and awaken us to life again, our King. Spread over us your shelter of peace; guide us with your good counsel. Save us because of your mercy. Shield us from foe, plague, sword, famine, and woe; and remove spiritual impediments that surround us. Shelter us in the shadow of Your wings. You, O God protect us and deliver us, for you are gracious and compassionate King. Guard our coming and our going, grant us life and peace, now and always. Spread over us the shelter of Your peace. Praised are You, our God, who spreads a shelter of peace over us, over all his people Israel and over Jerusalem.

H&J: Rich in symbolism, the sheva brachot expound on God’s glory for creating the world, creating humans, and creating man and woman to populate it. We were swayed by Rabbi Greenberg’s critique that the narrative structure of the traditional sheva brachot is designed for an opposite-sex couple, with heavily gendered themes and a focus on procreation.

Rather than try to adapt the words of the sheva brachot to fit a same-sex wedding, or invent new blessings out of whole cloth (we felt strongly about the rabbinic inclination against that), we opted to select seven blessings from elsewhere in Jewish tradition that together tell our story. That story is one about our role as gay men in Greenberg’s analysis of “increasingly larger circles of relationship”: being part of the human experience, being created as individuals, being part of a couple, raising a Jewish family, and being part of the Jewish future. Each blessing borrows the structure of the original blessings, with an introductory text lifted from somewhere in Jewish liturgy or Torah, followed by a bracha.

  1. We begin with the traditional blessings over wine,
  2. the creation of the world,
  3. and the creation of humanity.
  4. We next express our thanks to God for creating us differently, but with purpose and integrity—thus affirming that we, too, have been made in God’s image. The blessing “she’asani kirtzono” was originally said by women during the morning blessings as a parallel to the blessing for men, thanking God for “not making me a woman.” The message of this blessing as one of God’s intentionality in creating us different resonated with us, and we reclaimed this blessing here.
  5. We also give thanks to God for finding each other, celebrating our union as a couple. We begin with a quote from the Creation story, and couple it with Hatov vehameitiv, the traditional blessing recognizing positive events and good news.
  6. Taking yet another step outward—from the individual to the couple to the family—we then recall the blessing Jacob gave to his grandsons that their descendants should become numerous across the land, and carry on his legacy. This blessing echoes the traditional sheva brachot in its emphasis on children and the propagation of the Jewish people, while invoking divine protection for our family.
  7. Finally, we say the shehechiyanu, reflecting how grateful we are for being brought to this moment.
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי, אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, בּוֹרֵא פְּרִי הַגָּפֶן.1. You are blessed, Lord our God, the sovereign of the world, creator of the fruit of the vine.
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי, אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, שֶׁהַכֹּל בָּרָא לִכְבוֹדוֹ.2. You are blessed, Lord our God, the sovereign of the world, who created everything for His glory.
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי, אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, יוֹצֵר הָאָדָם.3. You are blessed, Lord our God, the sovereign of the world, the creator of humanity.
בָּרוּךְ שֶׁאָמַר נַעֲשֶׂה אָדָם בְּצַלְמֵנוּ כִּדְמוּתֵנוּ. בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי, שֶׁעָשַׂנִי כִּרְצוֹנוֹ.4. Blessed is the One who said, “We will make man in Our image, after our likeness.” Blessed are you, God, who made me as You intended.
בָּרוּךְ שֶׁאָמַר לֹא טוֹב הֱיוֹת הָאָדָם לְבַדּוֹ, אֶעֱשֶׂה לּוֹ עֵזֶר כְּנֶגְדּוֹ. בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי, הַטּוֹב וְהַמֵּיטִיב.5. Blessed is the One who said, “It is not good for man to be alone, I shall make him a helpmate.” Blessed are you, God, who is good and does good.
הַמַּלְאָךְ הַגֹּאֵל אֹתִי מִכָּל רָע יְבָרֵךְ אֶת הַנְּעָרִים וְיִקָּרֵא בָהֶם שְׁמִי וְשֵׁם אֲבֹתַי אַבְרָהָם וְיִצְחָק וְיִדְגּוּ לָרֹב בְּקֶרֶב הָאָרֶץ. בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי, מְשַׂמֵּחַ צִיּוֹן בְּבָנֶיהָ.6. May the angel who has delivered me from all harm bless these lads. May they carry on my name and the names of my fathers, Abraham and Isaac, and may they grow into a multitude on earth. Blessed are you, God, who makes Zion rejoice with her children.
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם שֶׁהֶחֱיָנוּ וְקִיְּמָנוּ וְהִגִּיעָנוּ לַזְּמַן הַזֶּה.7. Blessed are you God, ruler of the Universe, who has granted us life, sustained us, and enabled us to reach this occasion.

We were concerned at first with the potential problem of “she’asani kirtzono” (#4) being in first person. The pasuk makes clear that the blessing is appropriate for everyone, making it universal. Upon further study, our understanding of Shulchan Aruch 46:2 is that it’s accepted practice for the chazan to say brachot in the first person for others to fulfill their obligations by, so we decided it was workable here even if someone else was saying it over us under the chuppah. We also considered the bracha “meshaneh habriot,” “who varies the creations,” which fit in its literal meaning. However, that bracha has been historically said over both exotic animals and strange-looking people, and we didn’t like those connotations.

Other brachot we considered for #6 and 7 were oseh niflaot levado, mevarech et amo yisrael beshalom, ohev et amo yisrael (אוהֵב עַמּו יִשרָאֵל), and gomel chasadim tovim le’amo yisrael, possibly prefaced by ma tovu, but were unable to construct them in a way to make them really speak to the moment. (Even more floated possibilities included מְקַבֵּץ נִדְחֵי עַמּוֹ יִשְׂרָאֵל – that God brings dispersed Jews together, and כּוֹרֵת הַבְּרִית – traditionally said at a Brit Milah, it means that God seals a covenant, which is what a marriage is.)

We also considered t’fillat haderech as #7, but it didn’t fit the sequence; instead of closing with a blessing of God hearing our prayers, the moment called for something more in line with the theme of marriage. We ultimately decided to say t’fillat haderech later in the ceremony between birkat kohanim and breaking the glass.

R&D: We used 4 of the traditional brachot:

  1. HaGafen
  2. HaKol bara lichvodo
  3. Asher yatzar et ha’adam betzalmo [original blessing #4]
  4. Sos tasis [original blessing #5]
  5. May the One who makes matches and brings joy to the lovers also guide them in building a Jewish home filled with love, harmony, peace and companionship. Blessed are you Hashem our God, the One who is good and does good. (We wrote this bracha for the occasion of our wedding. Here’s the text in Hebrew: HaM’zaveg Zivugim, vha’m’sameach re’im ahuvim, hu yadrichen livnot bayit b’yisrael asher bo yishk’nu ahavah v’achava v’shalom v’re’ut. Baruch atah adonai haTov v’hameitv.)
  6. Zocher habrit vene’eman bivrito vekayam bema’amaro [blessing on a rainbow; see discussion in Birkat Erusin]
  7. Shehechiyanu

Approach 4: Invented replacements

Rabbi JB Sacks and Mel Rosen: Sheva Brakhot based on the traditional blessing of the new month, from 1991. Seven friends shared personal blessings for the couple based on the themes listed and then closed their blessing with the text written here. At the conclusion of their blessing, each friend poured wine from one of seven small cups into a large cup which was then given to the couple to drink. [Note: Rabbi JB Sacks-Rosen was the first openly gay rabbi in the Conservative movement.]

  1. Hayim shel Kedusha (Holiness)
  2. Hayim shel parnassah v’khayim shel khilutz atzamot (Physical Sustenance and Bodily Vigor)
  3. Hayim shel tovah v’khayyim shel b’rakhah (Goodness and Blessing)
  4. Hayim she’eyn bahem bushah ukhlima (Freedom from Shame and Embarassment)
  5. Hayim shel kavod (Honor and Respect)
  6. Hayim shel sason v’simcha, ahavah v’achavah, shalom v’reut (For continued joy, love, passion and shalom)
  7. Hayim shel Shalom (Peace)
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם הַמְּקַדֵּשׁ אֶת חַיֵּינוּ בְּקִדּוּשָׁהּ.1. We praise You, Adonai our God, Ruler of the Universe, who renews our lives with holiness.
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם הַמְפַרְנְסֵינוֹ בִּכְבוֹד וּמְחַיֵינוּ בְּכֹחַ.2. We praise You Adonai our God, Ruler of the Universe, Whose Presence sustains us and whose strength animates us.
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם הַטּוֹב וְהַמֵיטִיב הַבָּרוּךְ וְהַמְבוֹרַךְ.3. We praise You Adonai our God, The Good from whom goodness grows and the Blessing from whom blessing flows.
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם הַמָדְרִיכֵינוּ בִּנְתִיבֵי מִכְלוּל.4. We Praise You Adonai our God Ruler of the Universe, who guides us on paths of integrity.
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם שֶׁנָּתַן מִכְּבוֹדוֹ לִבְנֵי אָדָם.5. We praise You Adonai Eloheinu Melech Ha-olam, who imparts to us the Glory, the Honor.
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם מְשַׂמֵּחַ רֵעִים עִם אֲהוּבִים.6. We praise You Adonai our God Ruler of the universe, who causes lovers to rejoice.
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם הַמְּבָרֵךְ אֶת חַיֵּינוּ בְּשָׁלוֹם.7. We praise You Adonai our God Ruler of the Universe, who blesses our lives with peace.

Rabbi Rona Shapiro: Deborah Eisenbach-Budner and her husband, in preparing for their wedding, were disturbed by the inherent heterosexism in the ceremony. They felt that they could not properly drink a full cup of wine until the union of all lovers is celebrated, until same-sex couples enjoy the legal, social and religious privileges extended to heterosexual couples on their wedding day. They chose to add an eighth blessing to the traditional seven and to spill some wine on the ground before drinking from the cup.

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה אֲדֹנָי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מְקוֹר הַחַיִּים שֶׁהִגִּיעָנוּ לְאַהֲבַת נֶפֶשׁ שֶׁל יוֹנָתָן וְדָוִד. לְחֶסֶד שֶׁל רוּת וְנָעָמִי וּלְאִחוּד שֶׁל יַעֲקֹב וְרָחֵל. מְהֵרָה אֲדֹנָי אֱלֹהֵינוּ יִשָּׁמַע וְיֵחָגֵג בְּשַׁעֲרֵי עָרֵינוּ קוֹלוֹת כֹּל הָאֲהוּבִים וְשִׁירֵי כָּל הָרֵעוּת. מְהֵרָה אֲדֹנָי אֱלֹהֵינוּ נִשְׁתֶּה כֻּלָּנוּ מְלֹא הַכּוֹס רִנָּה. בְּרוּכָה אַתְּ אֲדֹנָי מְקוֹר אַהֲבָה.8. You are blessed, Adonai our God, Source of Life, who enables us to strive toward the devotion of Jonathan and David, the life-sharing of Ruth and Naomi, and the commitment of Jacob and Rachel. May the time come soon when the voices of all lovers, the music of all friendships, will rise up to be heard and celebrated in the gates of our cities. May the time come soon when we can all drink a full cup of joy. Blessed are You, Source of Love.

Approach 5: Full replacement

CJLS: Ceremony B. The couple recites the blessing over the tallit jointly and wraps themselves together into a large tallit (which might be specially prepared for the occasion). The marriage covenant is now read. [Then] the following blessings are read:

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי, אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, בּוֹרֵא פְּרִי הַגָּפֶן.1. Blessed are You, Adonai our God, Sovereign of the Universe, who creates the fruit of the vine.
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי, אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, שֶׁהַכֹּל בָּרָא לִכְבוֹדוֹ.2. Blessed are You, Adonai our God, Sovereign of the Universe who fashioned all to do him honor.
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, אֲשֶׁר יָצַר אֶת הָאָדָם בְּצַלְמוֹ, בְּצֶלֶם דְּמוּת תַּבְנִיתוֹ, וְאָמַּר לֹא טוֹב הֱיוֹת הָאָדָם לְבַדּוֹ, אֶעֱשֶׂה לּוֹ עֵזֶר, כְּנֶגְדּוֹ. הוֹדוּ לַיי כִּי טוֹב, כִּי לְעוֹלָם חַסְדּוֹ. בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יְיָ אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם שֶׁהֶחֱיָנוּ וְקִיְּמָנוּ וְהִגִּיעָנוּ לַזְּמַן הַזֶּה.3. You are blessed, Lord our God, the sovereign of the world, who created humanity in the divine image, who structured us in the image of God, and said, “It is not good for a person to live alone, I will make a fitting helper for each one.” “Give thanks to Adonai, for God is good, God’s faithfulness is eternal.” Praised are You, Adonai, our God, who has kept us alive and sustained us and brought us to this joyous time.

Approach 6: Alternate texts

To circumvent issues involving blessings entirely, using Biblical verses in place of brachot can keep the feel of the traditional wedding.

M&Y: Seven Biblical Blessings

מַה טֹּבוּ אֹהָלֶיךָ, יַעֲקֹב; מִשְׁכְּנֹתֶיךָ, יִשְׂרָאֵל. כִּנְחָלִים נִטָּיוּ, כְּגַנֹּת עֲלֵי נָהָר; כַּאֲהָלִים נָטַע יי, כַּאֲרָזִים עֲלֵי מָיִם.
(Numbers 24:5-6)		1. How good are your tents, Ya`akov, your tabernacles, Yisra’el. They stretch out like streams, like gardens by the river; they are like the aloes God has planted, like cedars by the water.
וְיִתֶּן לְךָ, הָאֱלֹהִים, מִטַּל הַשָּׁמַיִם, וּמִשְׁמַנֵּי הָאָרֶץ וְרֹב דָּגָן, וְתִירֹשׁ. וְאֵל שַׁדַּי יְבָרֵךְ אֹתְךָ, וְיַפְרְךָ וְיַרְבֶּךָ; וְהָיִיתָ, לִקְהַל עַמִּים.
(Genesis 27:28, 28:3)		2. May God grant you the dew of heaven and the fat of the earth, much grain and wine. God Almighty will bless you, make you fruitful, and increase your numbers. You will become an assembly of nations.
מֵאֵל אָבִיךָ וְיַעְזְרֶךָּ, וְאֵת שַׁדַּי וִיבָרְכֶךָּ, בִּרְכֹת שָׁמַיִם מֵעָל, בִּרְכֹת תְּהוֹם רֹבֶצֶת תָּחַת; בִּרְכֹת שָׁדַיִם, וָרָחַם.
(Genesis 49:25)		3. From your father’s God, who will help you, and [from] the Almighty, who will bless you. [Yours will be] the blessings of heaven above, the blessings of water lying beneath, the blessings of breast and womb.
יי אֱלֹהֵי אֲבוֹתֵכֶם, יֹסֵף עֲלֵיכֶם כָּכֶם אֶלֶף פְּעָמִים; וִיבָרֵךְ אֶתְכֶם, כַּאֲשֶׁר דִּבֶּר לָכֶם. וְיָדַעְתָּ, כִּי יי אֱלֹהֶיךָ הוּא הָאֱלֹהִים: הָאֵל, הַנֶּאֱמָן שֹׁמֵר הַבְּרִית וְהַחֶסֶד לְאֹהֲבָיו וּלְשֹׁמְרֵי מִצְוֺתָו, לְאֶלֶף דּוֹר. וַאֲהֵבְךָ, וּבֵרַכְךָ וְהִרְבֶּךָ; וּבֵרַךְ פְּרִי בִטְנְךָ וּפְרִי אַדְמָתֶךָ דְּגָנְךָ וְתִירֹשְׁךָ וְיִצְהָרֶךָ, שְׁגַר אֲלָפֶיךָ וְעַשְׁתְּרֹת צֹאנֶךָ, עַל הָאֲדָמָה, אֲשֶׁר נִשְׁבַּע לַאֲבֹתֶיךָ לָתֶת לָךְ.
(Deuteronomy 1:11, 7:9,13)		4. May God, Lord of your fathers, increase your numbers a thousandfold, and bless you as He promised. You must realize that God your Lord is the Supreme Being. He is the faithful God, who keeps in mind [His] covenant and love for a thousand generations when it comes to those who love Him and keep His commandments. He will love you, bless you and make you numerous. He will bless the fruit of your womb, the fruit of your land, your grain, your wine, your oil, the calves of your herds, and the lambs of your flocks, in the land that He promised your fathers that He would give to you.
וּבָאוּ עָלֶיךָ כָּל הַבְּרָכוֹת הָאֵלֶּה, וְהִשִּׂיגֻךָ: כִּי תִשְׁמַע, בְּקוֹל יי אֱלֹהֶיךָ. בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה, בָּעִיר; וּבָרוּךְ אַתָּה, בַּשָּׂדֶה. בָּרוּךְ פְּרִי בִטְנְךָ וּפְרִי אַדְמָתְךָ, וּפְרִי בְהֶמְתֶּךָ שְׁגַר אֲלָפֶיךָ, וְעַשְׁתְּרוֹת צֹאנֶךָ. בָּרוּךְ טַנְאֲךָ, וּמִשְׁאַרְתֶּךָ. בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה, בְּבֹאֶךָ; וּבָרוּךְ אַתָּה, בְּצֵאתֶךָ. יְצַו יי אִתְּךָ, אֶת הַבְּרָכָה, בַּאֲסָמֶיךָ, וּבְכֹל מִשְׁלַח יָדֶךָ; וּבֵרַכְךָ בָּאָרֶץ, אֲשֶׁר יי אֱלֹהֶיךָ נֹתֵן לָךְ. וְהוֹתִרְךָ יי לְטוֹבָה, בִּפְרִי בִטְנְךָ וּבִפְרִי בְהֶמְתְּךָ וּבִפְרִי אַדְמָתֶךָ עַל, הָאֲדָמָה, אֲשֶׁר נִשְׁבַּע יי לַאֲבֹתֶיךָ, לָתֶת לָךְ. וּנְתָנְךָ יי לְרֹאשׁ, וְלֹא לְזָנָב, וְהָיִיתָ רַק לְמַעְלָה, וְלֹא תִהְיֶה לְמָטָּה: כִּי תִשְׁמַע אֶל מִצְוֺת יי אֱלֹהֶיךָ, אֲשֶׁר אָנֹכִי מְצַוְּךָ הַיּוֹם לִשְׁמֹר וְלַעֲשׂוֹת.
(Deuteronomy 28:2-6,8,11,13)		5. As long as you listen to God your Lord, all these blessings will come to bear on you. Blessed will you be in the city, and blessed in the field. Blessed will be the fruit of your womb, the fruit of your soil, and the fruit of your livestock, the calves of your herds and the lambs of your flock. Blessed will be your food basket and your kneading bowl. Blessed will you be when you come and blessed when you go. God will grant a blessing in your granaries and all your [other] endeavors. He will bless you in the land that He, God your Lord, is giving you. God will grant you good surplus in the fruit of your womb, the fruit of your livestock, and the fruit of your land. [You will thus flourish] on the good land that God promised your ancestors to give you. God will make you a leader and never a follower. You will be on the top and never on the bottom. You must merely obey the commandments of God your Lord, as I am prescribing them to you today, carefully keeping them.
כִּי בְשִׂמְחָה תֵצֵאוּ, וּבְשָׁלוֹם תּוּבָלוּן; הֶהָרִים וְהַגְּבָעוֹת, יִפְצְחוּ לִפְנֵיכֶם רִנָּה, וְכָל עֲצֵי הַשָּׂדֶה, יִמְחֲאוּ כָף.
(Isaiah 55:12)		6. For you shall depart in joy, and be led forth in singing; the mountains and the hills will shout out aloud, and all the trees of the field shall echo with applause.
זַמְּרוּ יי, כִּי גֵאוּת עָשָׂה; מוּדַעַת זֹאת, בְּכָל-הָאָרֶץ. צַהֲלִי וָרֹנִּי, יוֹשֶׁבֶת צִיּוֹן: כִּי גָדוֹל בְּקִרְבֵּךְ, קְדוֹשׁ יִשְׂרָאֵל.
(Isaiah 12:5-6)		7. Sing to God, for He has done wonderful things; this is known in all the world. Cry out and shout, you inhabitant of Zion; for great is the Holy One of Israel in your midst.

Approach 7: Alternate rituals

In “Contemplating a Jewish Ritual of Same-Sex Union,” as cited earlier, Rabbi Steve Greenberg, proposes saying Kiddush Levana here. Here is an excerpt.

Rabbi Steve Greenberg: Is there an inherited sacred narrative that may frame gay love as part of God’s great plan? Of course, there is no ready-made biblical narrative. A historically reviled sexuality cannot easily find its holy way. However, there is a sliver of the creation story, an interpretive midrash of the rabbis, and a mystical ritual that may offer a possibility. …

The monthly Jewish ritual of the sanctification of the new moon, Kiddush Levanah, is recited during the waxing phase of the lunar cycle. Commonly, the prayer is said at the conclusion of the Sabbath falling during this period. On this Saturday evening following the end of the prayer service, the congregation files outdoors and, underneath a visible moon, chants Kiddush Levanah. …

An excerpt from the prayer:

וִיהִי רָצוֹן מִלְּפָנֶיךָ ה׳ אֱלֹהַי וֵאלֹהֵי אֲבוֹתַי לְמַלֹּאת פְּגִימַת הַלְּבָנָה, וְלֹא יִהְיֶה בָּהּ שׁוּם מִעוּט, וִיהִי אוֹר הַלְּבָנָה כְּאוֹר הַחַמָּה וּכְאוֹר שִׁבְעַת יְמֵי בְרֵאשִׁית, כְּמוֹ שֶׁהָיְתָה קוֹדֶם מִעוּטָהּ, שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר וַיַּעַשֹ אֱלֹהִים אֶת שְׁנֵי הַמְּאֹרֹת הַגְּדֹלִיםMay it be your will, O Lord, my God and the God of my fathers to fill in the darkness of the moon that she not be diminished at all. And let the light of the moon be as the light of the sun, and as the light of the seven days of creation, just as she was before she was diminished, as it is said: “the two great lights.” (Talmud Ḥulin 60b)

This tradition of the moon’s diminution and its future restoration in the world to come is explicitly understood by Rashi, the most famous of medieval Jewish exegetes, as a veiled reference to women. He says that in the world to come, women will be renewed like the new moon. This prayer, chanted before a waxing moon, imagines an increasing feminine light that will someday be restored to its full equality with the masculine light. If God atones for diminishing the moon and for the subjugation of Eve to Adam after the sin in the garden, then the way things are is not the way things ought to be or ultimately will be. The disharmonies that attended the banishment from Eden, the conflict between humans and the natural world, and the hierarchy of the sexes, these are just the beginning of a great drama, the last act of which will include God’s joyous restoration of the moon.

Perhaps the place to end our same—sex marriage narrative is with the restoration of the moon and the healing of the hierarchy between men and women so apparent in the traditional wedding service. … It is a beautiful ritual, full of dramatic imagery and power of its own. Its relationship to gay marriage is twofold.

The moon is a veiled reference to the feminine in the world, or perhaps, as mystics might say, to the feminine face of God, the Shekhinah. Our prayer for its restoration is our hope that we have indeed learned how two can rule with one crown, the sharing of power without hierarchy. … Only the fullest of loves makes it possible for two to rule with one crown. In this midrash we are offered an image of a love beyond gender that embodies neither submission nor domination, but equality and partnership. Might it be that gay relationships are perhaps a harbinger of the moon’s restoration, a forward guard to the coming redemption? …

Straight unions are about the love of Adam and Eve that bears new life. Gay unions are about the flaws of the creation that we are called on to fix. Gay couples, who by definition cannot employ the scaffold of patriarchy to work out their power arrangements, have little choice but to learn how to share a single crown. Whereas straight unions offer a promise of a future redemption in flesh and blood, gay unions help to pave the way for us to heal the very problem of difference, and in a gesture no less redemptive than the rebuilding of Jerusalem, to restore the moon to her former glory. …

E&R: In this prayer that we traditionally say every month, we bless God’s creation of our world, the heavens and its wonders. There is also a final blessing yearning for a time when the moon and the sun’s light will be the same. We connect to this blessing and chose to have it as part of our wedding because of this yearning for equality, and for a world without darkness. It has a message about wanting there to be equality between the light of the sun and the light of the moon, which feels more relevant than the Adam/Eve metaphor of the sheva brachot. Also, it was a religious ceremony that we could perform in its entirety and halchically, that had meaning and brought people together (there is singing, talking, reading, finding the moon). We had bencher-style handouts of the ceremony that I designed that we handed out.

H&J: The metaphor just didn’t work for us. This prayer is about the moon being made equal to the sun. But we’re already equals. We are equals in life, and will be equals in this marriage. We did appreciate the intention to find a different ritual that was a good analogy to a same-sex marriage. We considered using Havdallah, which is both a multi-sensory experience with loads of brachot celebrating God’s natural wonders, and a marker of separation between one domain and another, a potentially fitting metaphor for crossing from singlehood into marriage. But Havdallah is about separating from holy to mundane (kodesh lechol) and a marriage transitions from mundane to holy, so the metaphor was backwards. Ultimately, we decided to backtrack and assemble our own sheva brachot [see above].

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